Tag Archives: wife

And what century do we live in?

Please remind me, what year / century are we living in?

– “It’s so fascinating to learn about how people used to live — especially when we discover that not much has really changed.
However, sometimes you come across some old traditions that you simply can’t believe people ever followed — like these odd dating rituals throughout history.

But what women in the 1950s were expected to do for their husbands? Well, those traditions have certainly flown right out the window!
In May of 1955, Housekeeping Monthly published an article entitled, “The Good Wife’s Guide,” detailing all the ways that a wife should act and how best she can be a partner to her husband and a mother to her children.

It may feel a little strange to accept these rules today, but it remains so interesting to see how society once behaved.”

Click the link to read more…..

http://www.littlethings.com/1950s-good-housewife-guide/?utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=postplanner&utm_source=facebook.com

What would you do?

What to do when it all falls apart.

Recently I’ve been chatting with friends and acquaintances about keeping your independence when your a SAHM. We were talking about a radio station that were running a ‘competition’ so to speak, where the public called in and said why they needed to win $10,000. There were 2 different people daily with different situations, they didn’t know each other but one of the callers had to decide if they needed the money more than the other caller and if they should keep it for themselves or give it to the other person. They would hear the other persons reasons for needing the $10,000 but the choice was theirs, keep it or give it.

Anyway, one caller was a young woman who had been married for 15 years, had 4 children and her husband had decided to end their marriage and he had started a new relationship with someone from his work place. He told the ex wife she was to move out of the family home, he was keeping the car and he was also cutting off her allowance. She had no job as she quit to raise the children and run the household.

The second caller was recently married, no children but suffering a illness that required an operation, which would cost them $9,000. The operation could be life saving:

Both these cases seem fair, but who would you chose to get the $10,000?
The stranded mother or the caller requiring the operation?
The decision was for the single mother to make the choice weather to give it or keep it, and she actually kept the money for herself.to get back on her feet and start again after her marriage ended.

As you can imagine were many back and forth opinions and I guess you could say it had many different perspectives both positives and also negatives.

I would have given it personally to the caller requiring the operation, apparently that operation was going to help basically save his life. I get that the single mum was doing it tough, but she had her health. Something that I think many of us don’t appreciate.

What do you find more important, setting yourself back up after a break up, or getting healthy and possibly saving a life?

So it got me thinking about all the ‘what if’s?’ To do with this single mothers situation.

What if you are a SAHM, you are solely reliant on your partner and the relationship ends? What do you do? You have no money as he controls it all. You have no where to go, as you need money in order to leave and reset yourself up. You have no job or employment so therefore no income coming in for yourself. So many variables.

Is this why some partners insist on ‘looking after things?’ So that they have the ‘upper hand’ or ‘are in control’ if things do end?

It is a tricky, and can be sensitive situation.

I myself have never relied on a man until I left my job after my first child. I was bought up by a single mother who worked 2 jobs to make ends meet and raise 3 children and pay the mortgage and bills etc. I always wanted to support myself and not have to rely on a man. And I did right up until 3 years ago.

I worked after I had my first child. It was great, I had my independence. I had my own money, my hours were flexible and I was still able to be with my child. I pretty much didn’t take maternity leave, instead my employer was extremely flexible and allowed me to work from home 4 days and in the office one day. It was such a great experience and understanding company allowing me to basically have the best of both worlds.

I would be up at 6:30am checking emails whilst my little guy laid beside me watching and having his morning bottle. Then we could play and when he would go down for his morning sleep where he would sleep for approx 2-2.5hrs, I’d get a load of work done. Then it would be play time again for a few hours, followed by him having his afternoon sleep, again for another 2hrs where I’d get a solid chunk of work done then also. I found I was wet productive as I wanted to get the ‘work’ done so that I could play with my little guy. I was still doing about 6hrs per day, much like an office job but from home and still around my little one. Anyway we moved house and my employer was wanting me in the office more than I could commit too and after many conversations, my husband decided it would be too far and hard for me to travel whilst being a SAHM. He was also working long hours and it would mean our little guy would have been in day care from approx 7:30am until around 6pm 5 days per week. So I resigned. I sometimes wish I still had my independence and own thing going on but I also feel very blessed to be able to have all this time with my little guy and now also my little girl.

Once we moved we had another child and let’s say life is busy! I now have a 3yo and 15mo…. 🙂

I often think though, what would I do if he left me or if I left him?

I have no savings as he gives me a weekly allowance that is to pay for groceries, put fuel in the car, pay my mobile bill, buy the kids clothing and nappies etc. I wouldn’t know what to do. He looks after all the bills as he has the salary.

It got me thinking.

Should I try to work in order to have money for a ‘back up plan’?
That would mean that both my children would be in child care and that would possibly cost what I would be earning?
I’d also have rent to pay, I’d need to purchase my own car and also pay all my own bills.

So how would I do all that?

Children are simply not accepted into care straight away, most places have wait lists and hopefully days avail that I’d require.

Oh but getting a job is also not quite that simple. There is the application process, interview process and then hopefully a position that can, 1 – pay the required amount I’m salary for me to support myself and my children. 2 – be close to where I’d live or the children’s care centre so I wouldn’t be spending long periods of time commuting to and from work with children, and 3 – possibly be flexible enough to understand that being a single working mother i may occasionally need flexibility for my children.

Speaking out aloud about it and rationalising thoughts makes me realise just how hard things could be.

There always seems to be a compromise. But at what cost? Should I have resigned and given up all my independence? Should I be looking to start work again ‘just Incase’ something were to happen? Should I trust my husband will always look out for and after me and our family?

You our can never predict the future.

It certainly made me wonder what would I do.

What would you do?

Feel free to email me – noordinarymummy@gmail.com

Being a step parent.

My husband sent me this article earlier today. He says it’s helping him to understand the ‘challenges’ of being a step parent.

Are you a step parent?

What are your thoughts on this article?

I think it’s defiantly worth a read. So many people are so quick to call step parents ‘step monsters’ and judge the situation.

I personally don’t think it’s anyone’s right to judge another’s situation.

We are all different and we all parent differently.

We all fall in love for different reasons and we all have various relationship requirements.

Some of us can’t help who we fell in love with. Others choose to be more picky with choosing their partners.

I have  friends who would never date anyone who have children to other partners and I totally respect that. Being a step parent is challenging.

Id love to hear your thoughts on this article.

Email me – noordinarymummy@gmail.com

or find me on Twitter @noordinarymummy

or Facebook www.facebook.com/noordinarymummy

http://powertochange.com/sex-love/support-stepmom/

 

Domestic violence.

Domestic violence

Domestic violence comes in many difference forms. It’s not always physical with having a black eye or broken ribs. It can be emotional abuse on any level and can happen at any age.

Recently Rose Batty won Australian of the year 2015 for her part in bringing more awareness into communities. Such a wonderful woman. Rose Batty lost her only child, her 11 year old son to the violent hands of her ex partner, her sons father.

The father who supposedly loved his son beat him with a cricket bat until he died in a public place in 2014. This is domestic violence.

I also recently watched a 60 minutes program on Jessica Silva. This strong, brave woman was in a horrible abusive relationship with an emotionally and physically abusive man did baby years and at one stage, they decide to face a child to help the relationship but as Jessica found out, it didn’t help at all. Not saying that she shouldn’t have had her child, however I personally don’t believe that abusive people can change easily.

This woman was in a relationship with a monster, he was also an illegal drug user and also used steroids which caused him to have ‘roid rage’ not that this is ever an excuse.

Jessica eventually ended the relationship only to have him make threats to kill her, their son and her family. Terrible behaviour by someone who again supposedly loves and cares for you.

Eventually when he tried, Jessica fought back and she ended up stabbing him to death.

Is this self defence or murder?

Jessica was jailed for 8 months and charged with murder. The charges were then dropped to manslaughter and the jury have handed her a lesser sentence as they had evidence of the abusive relationship and also his death threats.

Jessica’s phone had also been tapped by NSW police which also showed her fearful for her life and this lead to her self defence.

The psychologists on this case also called Jessica’s situation ‘battered wife syndrome’.

Definition –
Battered person syndrome is a physical and psychological condition of a person who has suffered (usually persistent) emotional, physical, or sexual abuse from another person.[1] It is classified as ICD-9 code 99
Battered person syndrome” not elsewhere classified (NEC).
The condition is the basis for the battered spouse defense that has been used in cases of physically and psychologically abused spouses who have killed their abusers. The condition was first researched extensively by Lenore E. Walker, who used Martin Seligman’s learned helplessness theory to explain why abused spouses stayed in destructive relationships.

When Battered Person Syndrome (BPS) manifests as PTSD, it consists of the following symptoms: (a) re-experiencing the battering as if it were recurring even when it is not, (b) attempts to avoid the psychological impact of battering by avoiding activities, people, and emotions, (c) hyperarousal or hypervigilance, (d) disrupted interpersonal relationships, (e) body image distortion or other somatic concerns, and (f) sexuality and intimacy issues.

Additionally, repeated cycles of violence and reconciliation can result in the following beliefs and attitudes:[8]

The abused thinks that the violence was his or her fault.
The abused has an inability to place the responsibility for the violence elsewhere.
The abused fears for her/his life, and/or, the lives of loved ones whom the abuser might or has threatened to harm (e.g., children-in-common, close relatives or friends).
The abused has an irrational belief that the abuser is omnipresent and omniscient.

Domestic violence is also not just stereotyped into lower socioeconomic areas or the uneducated. Domestic abuse / violence can happen in the most affluent homes and be inflicted by the most charming and intelligent of people.

It can start with name calling or bickering, then lead to a grab or a push.

There are many different forms of domestic violence and in most cases the abuser or person whom is the violent one, is suffering from a mental illness which has them feel or believe that what they are doing is fine and bit wrong in anyway.

When I say mental illness, I mean it can be self inflicted by taking illicit drugs or can be schizophrenic, bipolar, someone with anger management issues, low self esteem or even depression.

I’m absolutely not saying this gives them the right to behave this way as I personally condone domestic violence in all forms, I’m just saying that these people are generally not right themselves which in some occasions have them believe that they are actually not doing any wrong.

Domestic violence can also be called intimate partner violence.

It does not have to be within the home either to be classified as domestic violence. It can be a form of violence that can occur within any relationship (family or intimate partner). Domestic violence is about power and control and there are many ways this control can be expressed.

If someone is hurting you it can be very scary and it may be hard to know how you can stop it. It is important to remember that no one has the right to be violent towards you and there are people out there who can help.

When I was younger I was in a horrible relationship where my boyfriend at the time would emotionally abuse me telling me that I was fat, unattractive and he felt sorry for me which is why he continued our relationship as no one else would want me. I was 20 at the time and still quite vulnerable and insecure. He would constantly put me down and tell me to diet and exercise and nothing that I ever did was acceptable for him.

It wasn’t until the night that he slapped my face so hard tears rolled from my eyes like rain and he grabbed my throat that I fought back. I also don’t condemn violence but I kicked him in the face so that he would let me go. Needless to say he didn’t take that well and we ended up going out separate ways not long after but I also vowed that no man would ever belittle me or be violent towards me either emotionally or physically again.

Every day in Australia and across the world, abuse is happening. In Australia alone over 22 women have died at the hands of abuse this year alone – we are only the 4th month in.

This equates to approx 6 women per month or one per week, are loosing their life’s to domestic violence.

Such a high statistic that we don’t really hear about nor is it well publicised. Why?
Shouldn’t this be well reported?
Drug offences are recorded as is sport, why not domestic violence?

Below is a link that I happened to stumble across. Very sad and very recent.

http://m.dailytelegraph.com.au/news/nsw/woman-dead-after-horrific-domestic-assault-injuries-in-quakers-hill/story-fni0cx12-1227326073181

“Over 12 months, on average, one woman is killed every week as a result of intimate partner violence. A woman is most likely to be killed by her male partner in her home. Domestic and family violence is the principle cause of homelessness for women and their children.”

Some types of abuse are:

Physical – If someone is hurting you, or threatening to hurt you, a loved one or a pet, then you will need to take some action.

Emotional – This form of violence is often unrecognised and can be very hurtful.

Economic – Having money and being able to make decisions about it, is one means of being independent. If someone is controlling your money, keeping you financially dependent, or making you ask for money unreasonably, then this is a form of violence.

Social – Social violence occurs in relationships that often include other forms of violence. If someone is insulting you or teasing you in front of other people, keeping you isolated from family and friends, controlling what you do and where you go, then they are being violent and you may need to take some action.

Spiritual – This type of violence involves a situation where you are not allowed to have your own opinions about religion, cultural beliefs, and values, or your spirituality is manipulated to keep you feeling powerless.

If you or someone you know is in a situation or relationship that is abusive in any way, shape or form. There is help.

Never feel alone.

I know it can be scary and overwhelming but there is always help and you do not have to put up with it nor stay in that situation.

I’ve copied some links below that you may find helpful.

Remember to be strong and know that you don’t deserve to be treated that way, no one does.

http://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/domestic-violence-and-abuse.htm

http://au.reachout.com/what-is-domestic-violence

http://www.humanservices.gov.au/customer/subjects/domestic-and-family-violence

http://www.dvrcv.org.au/support-services/national-services

http://m.whiteribbon.org.au/finding-help

http://lukebattyfoundation.com.au

Battle of the names!

Battle of the names!

So as my due date approaches hubby and I are trying to come up with names that we both like and can of course agree on to babe our little girl – Yep we are having a little princess.

My family is now complete, a little man and a little girl.

I only ever wanted 2 children and thought it would be ideal to have one of each – however I would have been extremely happy with 2 boys but am blessed to have been given the gift of one of each. I feel like my little family is perfect.

Now the tough part – coming up with a suitable name that suits both hubby’s name, my name and her big brothers name.

Hubby’s name is 3 syllables but we shorten it to single syllable, my name is also 3 syllables again we shorten it to single and my little mans name is single syllable so of course I’d like another single syllable name.

Problem is that we agree on something then hubby tells someone and they of course have negative comments which then puts him off that name.

Why is people feel the need to pass comment on things that don’t directly include them?

I mean I find it rude when people comment on chosen names and what bugs me most, is that it’s not even their child that is being named so why do they feel they have the right to pass comment on such things?

My little guy wants to call her twinkle but of course that’s out of the question but then there are others who are making suggestions also and putting down our choices. It has nothing to do with them right? Am I alone with my thoughts on this matter?

Naming a child is quite personal and there are many factors to consider including if it goes with the surname – our of which is quite peculiar so that’s a major consideration. Then there is the middle name factor, I’m quite traditional in the sense that I like the middle babe to be a family name possibly derived from a grandparents name or close relation. So coming up with a first name can be tricky!

What are some of your favourite girls names that are single syllable?

My list is as follows;

We had however agreed on a first and middle name for our little princess, though after a few various inputs today when hubby’s disclosed what we liked to some people and they passed negative comments, he now doesn’t like what we had chosen.

Back to square one!

Ava
Eve
Bo
Mila
Milly
Lou
Ella
Belle

Then a few others that Id consider;

Arabella
Eadie
Avery
Chloe
Codi
Phoebe
Halle
Leni
Lola
Lila
Layla
Lexi

Tell me your favourites. I’d love to hear from you.

Please also tell me your thoughts on people having their say on your choice of baby name.

I know everyone has an opinion but should it really be their choice on that you call your child?

Email me at – noordinarymummy@gmail.com

The Wife Drought.

The wife drought!

So for Christmas my husband bought me this book, The Wife Drought by Annabel Crabb. At first I was a little taken aback but then read the introduction only to realise it wasn’t an insult as Id originally thought but in fact a compliment.

As most of my readers are aware I gave up my corporate role in April 2014 to be a full time mother to my adorable 2year old and also help with the running around if my husbands 12 year old. We are also expecting bub number 2 in May 2015.

I originally struggled with this as it was not only a shock to my system of loosing my financial independence but also taking on all the household duties which were once shared. Gradually I’m learning more about myself and although I absolutely love my little guy more than anything, I sometimes think about returning to work again and having him in care, however no disrespect to anyone with children in care, I find myself struggling with the thought of having someone else look after him. – another issue I need to deal with in my own head 🙂 and so my conundrum continues.

This book is a great read about ‘wives’ not nessasarily being women but being people who stay at home and run the house or work part time in order to run the house which includes everything from cooking, cleaning, washing, school runs, homework, waiting on the plumber, raising children, after school activities and much more.

It also goes into detail about how many successful men including CEO’s have ‘wives’ which allows them to work late unexpectedly, travel when required, have the ability to sit quietly and read the morning paper without disturbance as they are generally on their way to work in the peace and quite of public transport or perhaps have gone into the office early. They have been able to enjoy a meal without disruption and being able to eat with both hands and not having being pulled in multiple directions or been vomited upon.

Again not that I would change my situation but I sometimes envy a 30minute ‘break’ time to myself to go to the toilet alone, or shower alone, gosh I can’t remember the last time that happened?

So this book puts things into perspective. It states that 1 in 4 women with children under the age of 15 do not work full time. 76% of working men have stay at home ‘wives’ to run the household that allows them the freedom of working late, gym sessions, work travel, unexpected business meetings and come home to a clean house of well respected, well mannered, polite, clean children ready for bed with the wife waiting all day for the plumber or phone guy in between collecting mail, doing washing or groceries and all before the 2:45pm school pick up which leads to after school sports and other activities.

To me it’s saying that men wouldn’t be as successful if women worked as much as men and that most men wouldn’t cope with being the stay at home parent raising children and doing household jobs like women do.

Take a read of the random house review then perhaps grab yourself a copy!

‘I need a wife’

It’s a common joke among women juggling work and family. But it’s not actually a joke. Having a spouse who takes care of things at home is a Godsend on the domestic front. It’s a potent economic asset on the work front. And it’s an advantage enjoyed – even in our modern society – by vastly more men than women.

Working women are in an advanced, sustained, and chronically under-reported state of wife drought, and there is no sign of rain.

But why is the work-and-family debate always about women? Why don’t men get the same flexibility that women do? In our fixation on the barriers that face women on the way into the workplace, do we forget about the barriers that – for men – still block the exits?

The Wife Drought is about women, men, family and work. Written in Annabel Crabb’s inimitable style, it’s full of candid and funny stories from the author’s work in and around politics and the media, historical nuggets about the role of ‘The Wife’ in Australia, and intriguing research about the attitudes that pulse beneath the surface of egalitarian Australia.

Crabb’s call is for a ceasefire in the gender wars. Rather than a shout of rage, The Wife Drought is the thoughtful, engaging catalyst for a conversation that’s long overdue.

– See more at: http://www.randomhouse.com.au/books/annabel-crabb/the-wife-drought-9780857984265.aspx#sthash.kaNA8q4b.dpuf

2nd wife?

The second wife.

So as with most mums whilst my little one is playing and running around at the park I generally chat to other mummies whilst watching him.

I had this very interesting conversation with the other day with another mummy who like mine, her husband was married before her. She called herself the 2nd wife, which I found an interesting label.

So after swapping stories that my hubby was previously married and that we have 1 child together with another on the way, she also had 1 child with her hubby and they were trying for another we got talking about the strangest label of being ‘the 2nd wife’.

When I asked her why she called herself the 2nd wife her answer was simple and true, because she is the second wife.

Her hubby was married previously. She continued to tell me that it’s not a bad thing and that in fact she see’s it as a positive. She said that lots of men have baggage these days and instead of seeing all the negatives, she focuses on the positives.

So after sharing a few laughs and chatting for about an hour I asked ‘so tell me some of these positives, of being the second wife?’.

Her list began –

He made his mistake with the first one and now knows not to do it again.

He now appreciates it takes 2 to make a marriage work and effort on both sides is required.

He now knows what he wants from a marriage and is willing to work for it.

He know’s what he will and won’t put up with from his wife, yet also understand what is acceptable. No frequent big boozy nights and she isn’t the live in help.

So I thought I’d do some further research.

Now this is no disrespect to those on their first marriage, it may be the only marriage that you have. I myself am in my first marriage. However with divorce rates so high, almost 50% of all marriages end in divorce if both parties are on their first marriage. If one or both are on a second marriage, it drops by almost half. Hmmm interesting statistics, so I needed to look into this further for myself. This is what I found in an article written in the UK Daily Mail.

Couples in second marriages are ‘less likely to get divorced’ because they benefit from the experience of the first.

This study found those on their second union benefit from age and experience, and are more ready to commit. Rather than sliding into a marriage without much thought they will have carefully weighed the pros and cons.

Couples on their second marriage are more likely to stay together as they benefit from the experiences and lessons of the past.

‘One possibility is that higher age is a proxy for higher income. Higher income acts as a buffer against some of the everyday difficulties faced by most couples.

‘Another possibility is that higher age means there are fewer young children from prior relationships. ‘And fewer second marriages for men are subject to the social and family pressures that lead into some first marriages. Hence men tend to do better second time round.’

Relationship expert Dr Pam Spurr said that while previous statistics have shown that second marriages break down more quickly, maturity may well aid to save a second marriage.

She added the second marriages can be particularly problematic when there are children from both previous marriages.

And Relate counsellor Paula Hall pointed out that money can be tighter in a second marriage due to divorce settlements and child support payments etc so their is more strain on finances within the second marriage however knowing the respect for each other and working together maturely, issues like these can be resolved. It’s been days that second marriages are less expectant on materialistic things and focus more on inner love and happiness.

But she added: ‘People in second marriages seem to have more insight and self-awareness. Having gone through divorce and separation, there can be more motivation to work through problems and save the marriage.’

Are you on your second marriage?

Do you have any insight on marriage?

I’d love to hear your stories.

Noordinarymummy@gmail.com

Broken friendships.

Broken friendships.

It’s interesting the friendships we make along the years. Some that last, some that pass but what I guess still integers me as why some last longer than others and what makes those that don’t last fade?

I’m the first one to admit I don’t have thousands of friends. I don’t need them. I have a few amazing friends whom I know I can count on at anytime and they would be there for me.

What breaks my heart though are those lost friendships that are non recoverable.

I have had a few of these also.

In most cases my friendships generally end as people we grow apart however sometimes things happen that change a friendship forever and it’s unrepairable.

For instance, I’ve had friends not like my husband for whatever reason so they choose to cut me out of their lives. I’ve had friends marry partners themselves who are controlling and limit their time with their friends. Or they don’t allow their partners to spend time with their own friends insisting that the husbands friends are their ‘couple’ friends so that’s whom they should be spending time with.

I had a wonderful friend whom I met through an old boyfriend. She was dating my then boyfriends best friend. We automatically got along and even after my relationship with that boyfriend ended we staied friends. She was with her boyfriend for a lot longer than I was with mine. I think my relationship ended after 2 years and gets about 4 years however through the whole time we kept our friendship separate.

We had the type of friendship that if she had an argument with her boyfriend and was upset at 2am she would call me and I would go to her home and comfort her or she would come to mine.

We often had ‘OC nights’ – for the young readers, OC is ‘orange county’ which is a TV show that used to be in Tuesday nights. We would cook a yummy dinner and have desert and wine and make it a girls night in. It was fun. We did it for possibly 3-4 years or even longer! We would giggle and laugh and feel that we could relate to these TV characters. There were about 5 of us girls that would do this.

Even after my friend broke up with her boyfriend we kept our friendship. She had a pretty tough break up as they were living together however I always made sure I was there for her.

We had a few other boyfriends inbetween but nothing serious. We would go out and party, dance and have fun. Gosh we were 25 year old single fun loving females.

Her boyfriend still lingered though as they had such a string love and respect for each other. I was always supportive even when she started dating a new guy. Sometimes it’s best to say nothing and give no advice as it may very we back fire. So for a few months she was double dating so to speak.

I knew they new boyfriend wasn’t much of a fan of mine. He thought I was a bad influence on her as I was care free, independant and very strong minded. I think our friendship started to change there. We started to spend less time together as she was spending more time with the new boyfriend.

I started to see my now husband about 6 months after she started dating her now husband.

Although mine and my husbands relationship was a bit stop start in the beginning she was almost always supportive. Until at her wedding which we attending something changed. My hubby and I had a fight and he broke up with me. I was so upset as it was my friends ‘big day’ however I held it together and went to the bathroom then left to go back to our hotel as it was a destination wedding. From then on she didn’t like my now hubby. Possibly understandable but I have since heard and she once told me that my behaviour that day ruined her wedding. Now I never made a scene nor did I cry in public but apparently I ruined her wedding day.

So after my hubby (was only boyfriend at the time) and I broke up and came back to Sydney we tried to work on our relationship – he had been married before and his break up was messy and difficult. I understand being at another wedding would have been tough even though his marriage has ended 5 years earlier. We ended up working through it only to break up a month later.

My friend was fuming and demanded I go stay with her and her hubby until I found my own place which I was grateful for so I staied with her for a week.

A few months passed and my ex (now hubby) was wanting me back. At this time I was dating a younger guy whom my friend also didn’t approve of. I felt at this point I couldn’t do anything good in her eyes. It was at my 30th where the younger new boyfriend attended that I realised she and I wouldn’t be close again.

After that relationship ended and my ex and I had worked things through – or were trying a fresh start. Ex (now hubby) and I went to Paris. When my friend heard about the trip she called me and says that she refuses to be there for me ever again and when the pieces break again she won’t pick them up. She made it very clear that she didn’t like my now hubby and cannot say she is happy for me. I was really upset but guess I had to understand.

Even though I’d supported her through her multiple break ups and fights with her previous boyfriend is also been on the end of the phone at 2, 3 whatever am consoling her and being a supportive friend. I kind of sensed that she now thought as she was married she didn’t need me or my friendship as she had his friends and I guess this was her easy way out?

I was quite heart broken.

A few years passed and I’d heard that her mum was unwell then passed away and I took the day off work to attend the funeral. When her first child was born I sent a shall gift. Each year on her mothers birthday and anniversary I send a nice message of thoughts letting her know I’m always here and understand how tough it would be for her going through such life changing times without her mum. I always received messages back from her saying thank you and that she will always love me and appreciate my thoughts and that when she gets time it would be nice to catch up. I still have all these text messages and facebook messages.

So recently I invited her to my little boys 2nd birthday. We have many mutual friend and I see these friends possibly monthly if not more often as we all have children around the same age. I’d chatted to a mutual friend asking if she tonight it would be a nice idea and she thought perhaps it would. After all this time and all the ‘olive branches’ I’ve put out there thought maybe this could bring our friendship back, however I got a bit of a slap in the face. The text response was simply ‘that’s kind but we can’t make it’ I was upset again then realised. Why am I constantly allowing this so called friend to disappoint me?

She clearly doesn’t want my friendship anymore.

For many reasons friendships end and it’s sad but I think a true friend –
Will never judge.
Will never listen to others put their friend down.
Will stand by their friend and support them through anything.
Will make time for their friends.

Tell me your broken friendship stories.

Noordinarymummy@gmail.com

Back lash!

Ok, so recently I wrote a blog on cheating.

Ive has many readers contacting me and asking if my marriage is ok and if this refers to my relationship or a family members.

No it doesn’t. My marriage is wonderful, I have a very supporting and loving husband and as far as I know, my sisters hubby isn’t cheating 🙂

So I wanted to elaborate on my cheating blog. I’ve altered it below and elaborated to give more info on why this cheating came to my mind as something to write about.

Once a cheat always a cheat?

I’ve just watched the ‘true tori’ interview where Dean McDermont admits to cheating in his wife Tori Spelling.

Now I’m not sure what’s worse, the fact he has cheated on his wife whom he has 4 children with or the fact it’s on TV?

I’m a huge believer in monogamy. Call me old fashioned but I don’t believe that you take vows of forever, in sickness and in health and make promises to your partner to be faithful if that’s not what you intend on doing.

I also don’t quite understand the idea that cheating is ok? Then the ‘cheater’ blaming their partner? How is this normal?

Remember there is speculation that he cheated on his first wife with Tori Spelling.

I’ve once heard that the ‘cheater’ said they no longer felt wanted by the partner which is why they cheated. Perhaps instead of infidelity they should talk to their partner and try to resolve issues?

I guess I’m some cases it’s their ego that needs a boost? This still doesn’t make it right in my eyes or beliefs.

It also makes me think, will the ‘cheater’ ever be happy and content with the one partner?

Will they always have the inclination to stray and cheat? Are they simply deceitful people?

What would you do if you were cheated on?

I was cheated on by a long term partner and initially I blamed myself, thinking I wasn’t enough and why couldn’t I make him happy or please him?

What I soon realised is that he was the one with the issues not me. It took me a while to stop blaming myself and realise that I actually did nothing wrong and that it was him at fault.

What I’ve also learnt from my advanced diploma in counselling is that infidelity generally comes from the same inner emptiness as alcoholism, drug abuse, food addiction, gambling, over spending and so on. In case ‘s of infidelity, when the underlying reason is emptiness due to self-abandonment, the addiction is to attention, approval or sex , using another person to fill the inner emptiness and take away the inner aloneness. Instead of being the ‘bigger person’ and ending the current relationship, the ‘cheater’ takes their emptiness and aloneness with them into their next relationship. And so the cycle continues.

Someone who cheats in one relationship is almost certain to do it again unless they fulfil themselves and heal their inner brokenness.

You cannot expect to put your emptiness and aloneness into someone else. You need to fix your own problems prior to staring a new relationship.

I know that I would never date someone whom I know has previously cheated. Perhaps I have trust issues from my past or perhaps I simply wouldn’t want the continual thoughts of ‘what are they up to, or am I enough?’

My theory is simple and I’ve known many people who cheat on their partners and many who have been cheated on. In my eyes it’s a low act.

Hurting someone for your own fulfilment. How is this fair? I don’t think these people ever change and that there will always be the inclination there for them to repeat offend.

I’ve been with my now husband almost 9 years, married for over 3 years and I can wholeheartedly say that yes we argue and yes I get cranky and upset with him, I personally don’t believe any relationship is perfect but at no stage have I or would I ever contemplate seeking intimacy with someone else.

Not as I fear loosing what we have, I don’t fear much, what I would feel is loss. I would have lost my best friend, my soul partner and the man whom I adore who also is the father of our beautiful little boy. I just couldn’t bare to hurt either my husband not my beautiful son.

If I have an issue or feel insecure, low, upset or angry I talk it out and make things work. I think cheating is an easy option for weak people to escape reality.

It takes a stronger person to fix a problem than to cheat and betray for your own personal pleasure hurting those who you supposedly love and care for the most.

I understand that someone may pursue you, however you have the control to walk away and not accept. Take responsibility for your actions and know that for every action, there is a reaction and reputations are hard to change.

Step children.

On my recent holiday to Fiji I met some lovely people. All different and from various countries but no the less similar.

It seems almost 1 in 3 family’s have step children. Given that the divorce rates here in Australia alone are high, statistics show that approx 48% of marriage ends in divorce.

This one woman I met was quite opinionated on her step child.

On day 4 of our holiday my toddler and I were swimming in one of the family friendly pools when she came with her 2 year old daughter to play with us. My little one had a dump truck, spade and rake in the pool which seemed to be a hit with other children.

So the usual conversation started, she asked me then I asked her the same questions,’how long have you been here, how long are you staying, is this your first Fiji trip, who are you with? Etc

Her response was she was with her husband, their two daughters and her husbands son.

Her husbands son I thought? She then elaborated that She and her husband had been together 13 years and they had 2 daughters together, a 5 year old and a 2 year old. The ‘husbands son’ was 19 and from his previous relationship. I didn’t divulge any deeper but she was more than happy to tell me all about the situation.

The husbands son seems to be the ‘favourite’ child, let’s face it when it comes to break ups, there is always pity on the ‘poor child’ who’s parents are no longer together.

She went on to tell me that she didn’t have much to do with him as he is bad mannered, disrespectful towards her, arrogant and expecting. He apparently ‘wants for nothing and receive’s all he asks for, she mentioned that they are certainly not wealthy but the father buys and does whatever the son asks. She also proceeded to tell me that he demands his fathers attention and because her husband doesn’t see the son too often as he lives with his mother he feels feels obliged to give him his undivided attention when he does see him. I asked how often does her husband see his son and she replied with ‘every second weekend’.

She said that she has no doubt that her hubby loves their two daughters but wishes he put as much effort into them as he does his 19 year old son. She said that when the son is around the daughters are often not included with the father and sons activities.

Quite sad really. I think that as the girls grow up they will see this behaviour and perhaps resent both the father and his son?

I asked her how it affects her marriage and she replied with ‘it’s great when the son isn’t around’. I guess I wasn’t surprised as there are many similar situations like this.

Which makes me wonder, do you have to like your step children?

This woman certainly gave me the impression that she doesn’t like her step son at all. She said a few other things which shocked me and I think that if I was in her position I wouldn’t like the husbands son either.

She says she tolerates her husbands son for his sake but cringes each time the son is over, as it generally means that she and her husband argue over his parenting style with the son and the lack of involvement he has with their daughters. She feels that her husband favours the son and has a sense of guilt which is why he allows the son to behave in such a disrespectful and arrogant manner.

I felt sorry for her, what a difficult situation.

I guess that her story is not the only one like this out there, there are so many split families around, however I guess it’s how you treat the situation as to how your next relationship / family will unfold.

She said it’s always been the same for the 13 years that they have been together but has gotten worse since they had their girls and she sometimes questions why she puts up with it.

I didn’t ask her but I am wondering ‘Do you think the father feels guilty that he has moved on and is happy with someone other than the sons mother which is why he feels obliged to put the son first and almost neglects his new family of wife and 2 girls when the son is around?’.