Tag Archives: Son

autism

A friend of my husbands wrote this beautiful piece about his son who has been diagnosed with autism.

It was published in The Sun Herald here in SYDNEY this past Sunday. (Which also happened to be Australia’s Father’s Day)

The writer, my husbands friend, speaks about his acceptance of his child, how he will love him no matter what and will do everything to ‘help’ rather than ‘fix’ his beautiful innocent son.

Such a touching piece of writing and very well said.

http://m.dailylife.com.au/life-and-love/parenting-and-families/i-learned-to-let-go-of-the-urge-to-fix-my-son-20150904-gjfdr8.html

Attempted break in.

Attempted break in

So not that long ago we had an attempted break in, into our home.

It was approx 9:30pm at night and someone tried to break in through my little girls bedroom. She is only 8 weeks old and was in bed at the time.

There are French doors onto a balcony off her room which is where they tried to get in.

I was laying in bed watching TV when I heard a door handle tattle as though someone was trying to open it but couldn’t. You know the sound when your opening a door but it’s locked and it rustles? Well that’s the sound.

This sound kept happening for approx 30 minutes – it started about 9pm. At first I didn’t think much of it, I thought it was my husbands eldest son who is almost 13 in the bathroom but as it kept happening I though best I’d check it out.

As I walked from my bedroom hubby’s son was standing outside my door scared. He had heard it too, as we both stood still it happened again. It was coming from my daughters bedroom. She is 8 weeks old. I grabbed my phone and started to call my husband who was downstairs working on his laptop but he had his phone on silent as he wasn’t answering.

I decided I’d go downstairs and get him. Hubby came up and as he went out to investigate, the attempted intruder ran, they had entered our property from a reserve that we back onto then they came through our tennis court and up into a balcony which is s good 2-3 meters high and into my daughters balcony.

I called the police and within minutes they were at our house. I think they arrived as I ended the call to the police station. They were very prompt and made me feel thankful.

They walked our property and saw foot prints but unfortunately the offered we had managed to get away. Perhaps they were in hiding down in the scrub of the reserve behind our property boundary.

They next day I went outside to look for possible entry points and to see if there were more footprints and yes there were. Not implying that they had came back but just confirming which areas of our property they had been on. I know they were not our foot prints as it had been raining and these prints were quite fresh. They has also been around the front of our home as we have a pebble path with loose pebbles and the pebbles were embedded with large foot prints. The police didn’t walk that path. That particular path is right outside mine and my 2 year old sons bedrooms.

So the following day I arranged various security company’s to come and investigate what updated security systems and measures we need. They have since been installed.

Although I have been concerned as I do have 2 young children. I can’t say that I was overly scared as my thought process is that, if someone wants to get in bad enough, they will find away.

Perhaps I’m arrogant towards the situation but I’m not going to allow this to scare me or change the way I live. Why should I live in fear, especially within my own home? All I can do is protect myself and my family.

My biggest concern is if the proposed intruder was on drugs and how they may react or behave. That there is out of my control.

We have even more secure systems and high tech alarms in place now and security and the police patrolling the area on a more regular basis.

Have you had a break in or attempted break I’m?

I’d be interested in hearing your story. Email me – noordinarymummy@gmail.com

Domestic violence.

Domestic violence

Domestic violence comes in many difference forms. It’s not always physical with having a black eye or broken ribs. It can be emotional abuse on any level and can happen at any age.

Recently Rose Batty won Australian of the year 2015 for her part in bringing more awareness into communities. Such a wonderful woman. Rose Batty lost her only child, her 11 year old son to the violent hands of her ex partner, her sons father.

The father who supposedly loved his son beat him with a cricket bat until he died in a public place in 2014. This is domestic violence.

I also recently watched a 60 minutes program on Jessica Silva. This strong, brave woman was in a horrible abusive relationship with an emotionally and physically abusive man did baby years and at one stage, they decide to face a child to help the relationship but as Jessica found out, it didn’t help at all. Not saying that she shouldn’t have had her child, however I personally don’t believe that abusive people can change easily.

This woman was in a relationship with a monster, he was also an illegal drug user and also used steroids which caused him to have ‘roid rage’ not that this is ever an excuse.

Jessica eventually ended the relationship only to have him make threats to kill her, their son and her family. Terrible behaviour by someone who again supposedly loves and cares for you.

Eventually when he tried, Jessica fought back and she ended up stabbing him to death.

Is this self defence or murder?

Jessica was jailed for 8 months and charged with murder. The charges were then dropped to manslaughter and the jury have handed her a lesser sentence as they had evidence of the abusive relationship and also his death threats.

Jessica’s phone had also been tapped by NSW police which also showed her fearful for her life and this lead to her self defence.

The psychologists on this case also called Jessica’s situation ‘battered wife syndrome’.

Definition –
Battered person syndrome is a physical and psychological condition of a person who has suffered (usually persistent) emotional, physical, or sexual abuse from another person.[1] It is classified as ICD-9 code 99
Battered person syndrome” not elsewhere classified (NEC).
The condition is the basis for the battered spouse defense that has been used in cases of physically and psychologically abused spouses who have killed their abusers. The condition was first researched extensively by Lenore E. Walker, who used Martin Seligman’s learned helplessness theory to explain why abused spouses stayed in destructive relationships.

When Battered Person Syndrome (BPS) manifests as PTSD, it consists of the following symptoms: (a) re-experiencing the battering as if it were recurring even when it is not, (b) attempts to avoid the psychological impact of battering by avoiding activities, people, and emotions, (c) hyperarousal or hypervigilance, (d) disrupted interpersonal relationships, (e) body image distortion or other somatic concerns, and (f) sexuality and intimacy issues.

Additionally, repeated cycles of violence and reconciliation can result in the following beliefs and attitudes:[8]

The abused thinks that the violence was his or her fault.
The abused has an inability to place the responsibility for the violence elsewhere.
The abused fears for her/his life, and/or, the lives of loved ones whom the abuser might or has threatened to harm (e.g., children-in-common, close relatives or friends).
The abused has an irrational belief that the abuser is omnipresent and omniscient.

Domestic violence is also not just stereotyped into lower socioeconomic areas or the uneducated. Domestic abuse / violence can happen in the most affluent homes and be inflicted by the most charming and intelligent of people.

It can start with name calling or bickering, then lead to a grab or a push.

There are many different forms of domestic violence and in most cases the abuser or person whom is the violent one, is suffering from a mental illness which has them feel or believe that what they are doing is fine and bit wrong in anyway.

When I say mental illness, I mean it can be self inflicted by taking illicit drugs or can be schizophrenic, bipolar, someone with anger management issues, low self esteem or even depression.

I’m absolutely not saying this gives them the right to behave this way as I personally condone domestic violence in all forms, I’m just saying that these people are generally not right themselves which in some occasions have them believe that they are actually not doing any wrong.

Domestic violence can also be called intimate partner violence.

It does not have to be within the home either to be classified as domestic violence. It can be a form of violence that can occur within any relationship (family or intimate partner). Domestic violence is about power and control and there are many ways this control can be expressed.

If someone is hurting you it can be very scary and it may be hard to know how you can stop it. It is important to remember that no one has the right to be violent towards you and there are people out there who can help.

When I was younger I was in a horrible relationship where my boyfriend at the time would emotionally abuse me telling me that I was fat, unattractive and he felt sorry for me which is why he continued our relationship as no one else would want me. I was 20 at the time and still quite vulnerable and insecure. He would constantly put me down and tell me to diet and exercise and nothing that I ever did was acceptable for him.

It wasn’t until the night that he slapped my face so hard tears rolled from my eyes like rain and he grabbed my throat that I fought back. I also don’t condemn violence but I kicked him in the face so that he would let me go. Needless to say he didn’t take that well and we ended up going out separate ways not long after but I also vowed that no man would ever belittle me or be violent towards me either emotionally or physically again.

Every day in Australia and across the world, abuse is happening. In Australia alone over 22 women have died at the hands of abuse this year alone – we are only the 4th month in.

This equates to approx 6 women per month or one per week, are loosing their life’s to domestic violence.

Such a high statistic that we don’t really hear about nor is it well publicised. Why?
Shouldn’t this be well reported?
Drug offences are recorded as is sport, why not domestic violence?

Below is a link that I happened to stumble across. Very sad and very recent.

http://m.dailytelegraph.com.au/news/nsw/woman-dead-after-horrific-domestic-assault-injuries-in-quakers-hill/story-fni0cx12-1227326073181

“Over 12 months, on average, one woman is killed every week as a result of intimate partner violence. A woman is most likely to be killed by her male partner in her home. Domestic and family violence is the principle cause of homelessness for women and their children.”

Some types of abuse are:

Physical – If someone is hurting you, or threatening to hurt you, a loved one or a pet, then you will need to take some action.

Emotional – This form of violence is often unrecognised and can be very hurtful.

Economic – Having money and being able to make decisions about it, is one means of being independent. If someone is controlling your money, keeping you financially dependent, or making you ask for money unreasonably, then this is a form of violence.

Social – Social violence occurs in relationships that often include other forms of violence. If someone is insulting you or teasing you in front of other people, keeping you isolated from family and friends, controlling what you do and where you go, then they are being violent and you may need to take some action.

Spiritual – This type of violence involves a situation where you are not allowed to have your own opinions about religion, cultural beliefs, and values, or your spirituality is manipulated to keep you feeling powerless.

If you or someone you know is in a situation or relationship that is abusive in any way, shape or form. There is help.

Never feel alone.

I know it can be scary and overwhelming but there is always help and you do not have to put up with it nor stay in that situation.

I’ve copied some links below that you may find helpful.

Remember to be strong and know that you don’t deserve to be treated that way, no one does.

http://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/domestic-violence-and-abuse.htm

http://au.reachout.com/what-is-domestic-violence

http://www.humanservices.gov.au/customer/subjects/domestic-and-family-violence

http://www.dvrcv.org.au/support-services/national-services

http://m.whiteribbon.org.au/finding-help

http://lukebattyfoundation.com.au

Back lash!

Ok, so recently I wrote a blog on cheating.

Ive has many readers contacting me and asking if my marriage is ok and if this refers to my relationship or a family members.

No it doesn’t. My marriage is wonderful, I have a very supporting and loving husband and as far as I know, my sisters hubby isn’t cheating 🙂

So I wanted to elaborate on my cheating blog. I’ve altered it below and elaborated to give more info on why this cheating came to my mind as something to write about.

Once a cheat always a cheat?

I’ve just watched the ‘true tori’ interview where Dean McDermont admits to cheating in his wife Tori Spelling.

Now I’m not sure what’s worse, the fact he has cheated on his wife whom he has 4 children with or the fact it’s on TV?

I’m a huge believer in monogamy. Call me old fashioned but I don’t believe that you take vows of forever, in sickness and in health and make promises to your partner to be faithful if that’s not what you intend on doing.

I also don’t quite understand the idea that cheating is ok? Then the ‘cheater’ blaming their partner? How is this normal?

Remember there is speculation that he cheated on his first wife with Tori Spelling.

I’ve once heard that the ‘cheater’ said they no longer felt wanted by the partner which is why they cheated. Perhaps instead of infidelity they should talk to their partner and try to resolve issues?

I guess I’m some cases it’s their ego that needs a boost? This still doesn’t make it right in my eyes or beliefs.

It also makes me think, will the ‘cheater’ ever be happy and content with the one partner?

Will they always have the inclination to stray and cheat? Are they simply deceitful people?

What would you do if you were cheated on?

I was cheated on by a long term partner and initially I blamed myself, thinking I wasn’t enough and why couldn’t I make him happy or please him?

What I soon realised is that he was the one with the issues not me. It took me a while to stop blaming myself and realise that I actually did nothing wrong and that it was him at fault.

What I’ve also learnt from my advanced diploma in counselling is that infidelity generally comes from the same inner emptiness as alcoholism, drug abuse, food addiction, gambling, over spending and so on. In case ‘s of infidelity, when the underlying reason is emptiness due to self-abandonment, the addiction is to attention, approval or sex , using another person to fill the inner emptiness and take away the inner aloneness. Instead of being the ‘bigger person’ and ending the current relationship, the ‘cheater’ takes their emptiness and aloneness with them into their next relationship. And so the cycle continues.

Someone who cheats in one relationship is almost certain to do it again unless they fulfil themselves and heal their inner brokenness.

You cannot expect to put your emptiness and aloneness into someone else. You need to fix your own problems prior to staring a new relationship.

I know that I would never date someone whom I know has previously cheated. Perhaps I have trust issues from my past or perhaps I simply wouldn’t want the continual thoughts of ‘what are they up to, or am I enough?’

My theory is simple and I’ve known many people who cheat on their partners and many who have been cheated on. In my eyes it’s a low act.

Hurting someone for your own fulfilment. How is this fair? I don’t think these people ever change and that there will always be the inclination there for them to repeat offend.

I’ve been with my now husband almost 9 years, married for over 3 years and I can wholeheartedly say that yes we argue and yes I get cranky and upset with him, I personally don’t believe any relationship is perfect but at no stage have I or would I ever contemplate seeking intimacy with someone else.

Not as I fear loosing what we have, I don’t fear much, what I would feel is loss. I would have lost my best friend, my soul partner and the man whom I adore who also is the father of our beautiful little boy. I just couldn’t bare to hurt either my husband not my beautiful son.

If I have an issue or feel insecure, low, upset or angry I talk it out and make things work. I think cheating is an easy option for weak people to escape reality.

It takes a stronger person to fix a problem than to cheat and betray for your own personal pleasure hurting those who you supposedly love and care for the most.

I understand that someone may pursue you, however you have the control to walk away and not accept. Take responsibility for your actions and know that for every action, there is a reaction and reputations are hard to change.

Mia Freedman

26 beauty truths only mothers understand. (Or aunts)

I just read the best article from an extremely funny journalist. Mia Freedman. Mia is the brains and braun behind ‘MamaMia’ blog, website and much more.

I only have a toddler who happens to be a boy however  my sister has 3 beautiful children whom I am extremely close with so these ring true from them. My sisters kids are now 13, 11 and 8 with the 2 eldest being girls. ‘Tweens’ and ‘teenagers’ are always experimenting finding their own style and comfort zone with both clothes and make up.

I myself only wear make up on special occasions which is basically only ever mascara, eye liner and lippy and perhaps 3 time per year but this story made me smirk with happiness and automatically filled me with find memories.

 

Please read Mia’s story below.

Once the baby’s out, your beauty routine will never go back to the way it was.

Don’t like sharing your lipstick? Too late.

Your body is not the only thing that changes after you have a baby. Your beauty routine does too, because you’re never alone in your bathroom and you have no time.

Remember the days of luxuriating in the bath or cranking up the music while you spend a satisfying 25 minutes trying to perfect a make-up trick you saw in a magazine?

BAHAHAHAHAHHAAA.

How times change. Here are the beauty truths only mothers can understand.

1. Your bikini line is now something for public commentary. “My mummy has a hairy front bum” is something every child will announce, usually in a supermarket queue.

2. Having to answer these and 100 other questions while putting on makeup or doing your hair: “What actually happens when you die? What rocks are made of? Where do farts go when you can’t smell them anymore?”

3. Eye makeup remover is the best way to remove lipstick from all over your child’s face. Also from the carpet and the dog.

4. Red lipstick and black eyeliner are the best way to create realistic looking scars and wounds. Particularly useful at Halloween.

5. You no longer associate the word ‘bath’ with relaxation or peace. Instead, you associate it with 37 bath toys and an inevitable tantrum when it’s time to wash hair.

6. Doing your makeup takes twice as long because your children want to play with all the brushes / EVERYTHING YOU OWN.

7. Eyeshadow is a bitch to get out of tiles when someone drops it on the floor and it smashes into a thousand powdery pieces.

8. You will be judged when you take your 2-year-old to the nail salon, even though you just really needed to get a pedicure and that’s what iPads were invented for.

9. You will always have chipped nail polish and chipped nails. Always.

10. You embrace ‘natural’ makeup because you actually have no time for the routine you once had and who actually cares what you look like today?

11. You will be asked “what’s that on your face, mummy?” as curious fingers are pointed at your pimples, moles and freckles.

12. Your GHD is covered in inches of dust, and you can’t remember the last time you switched it on.

13. Cleansing your face with anything other than a facial wipe? Not going to happen.

14. You have to keep your makeup hidden at all times, because lipsticks, even really, really expensive ones, are crayons.

15. You become an expert at putting makeup on without a mirror in two minutes flat because LITTLE CHILDREN. (This explains a lot about how I look before my first office bathroom visit of the day).

16. You can’t blow-dry your hair properly because either a) your child hates the sound of the hairdryer and will wail the whole time it’s running or b) loves the sound of the hairdryer and just keeps insisting you turn it on them in a HILARIOUS game.

17. “Grooming” now means shaving your legs once a month. In winter, it’s once every three months.

18. Shapewear. Shapewear. Shapewear.

19. “Doing your hair” now means just spraying it with dry shampoo.

20. Conversations like this when you’re putting on makeup:

“But Mama WHY are you painting your face?”

“Because it makes me feel good.

“Why does it make you feel good?”

“Er… because it makes me feel nicer.”

“But why? it looks sticky. Can I put it on?”

“No, little boys don’t really wear makeup…”

“But why? I want to look like a vampire too.”

(oh.)

21. Finding your makeup brushes being used as paint brushes. And the paint is… (oh no) your eye shadow. And the canvas is (oh no)… the wall.

22. Explaining to your three year old that she is too pretty for makeup… and then putting in on yourself.

23. Answering the urgent question every single day: “No, your hair isn’t as long as Elsa’s yet… No, your hair isn’t as long as Elsa’s yet. No, your hair isn’t a long as Elsa’s yet…”

24. Acting nonchalant when your daughter tells you that she has put “nappies” on her “babies” – the nappies being an entire packet of pads!

25. When your daughter becomes a teenager, you must start hiding every beauty product you own because she nicks them. All. The. Time.

26. On the flipside, you get to start nicking hers when she starts buying cool stuff.

You can read Mia’s other stories at:

http://www.mamamia.com.au/author/mia/

http://www.mamamia.com.au

http://www.theglow.com.au/beauty/beauty-for-mothers-truths/?mm

Step children.

On my recent holiday to Fiji I met some lovely people. All different and from various countries but no the less similar.

It seems almost 1 in 3 family’s have step children. Given that the divorce rates here in Australia alone are high, statistics show that approx 48% of marriage ends in divorce.

This one woman I met was quite opinionated on her step child.

On day 4 of our holiday my toddler and I were swimming in one of the family friendly pools when she came with her 2 year old daughter to play with us. My little one had a dump truck, spade and rake in the pool which seemed to be a hit with other children.

So the usual conversation started, she asked me then I asked her the same questions,’how long have you been here, how long are you staying, is this your first Fiji trip, who are you with? Etc

Her response was she was with her husband, their two daughters and her husbands son.

Her husbands son I thought? She then elaborated that She and her husband had been together 13 years and they had 2 daughters together, a 5 year old and a 2 year old. The ‘husbands son’ was 19 and from his previous relationship. I didn’t divulge any deeper but she was more than happy to tell me all about the situation.

The husbands son seems to be the ‘favourite’ child, let’s face it when it comes to break ups, there is always pity on the ‘poor child’ who’s parents are no longer together.

She went on to tell me that she didn’t have much to do with him as he is bad mannered, disrespectful towards her, arrogant and expecting. He apparently ‘wants for nothing and receive’s all he asks for, she mentioned that they are certainly not wealthy but the father buys and does whatever the son asks. She also proceeded to tell me that he demands his fathers attention and because her husband doesn’t see the son too often as he lives with his mother he feels feels obliged to give him his undivided attention when he does see him. I asked how often does her husband see his son and she replied with ‘every second weekend’.

She said that she has no doubt that her hubby loves their two daughters but wishes he put as much effort into them as he does his 19 year old son. She said that when the son is around the daughters are often not included with the father and sons activities.

Quite sad really. I think that as the girls grow up they will see this behaviour and perhaps resent both the father and his son?

I asked her how it affects her marriage and she replied with ‘it’s great when the son isn’t around’. I guess I wasn’t surprised as there are many similar situations like this.

Which makes me wonder, do you have to like your step children?

This woman certainly gave me the impression that she doesn’t like her step son at all. She said a few other things which shocked me and I think that if I was in her position I wouldn’t like the husbands son either.

She says she tolerates her husbands son for his sake but cringes each time the son is over, as it generally means that she and her husband argue over his parenting style with the son and the lack of involvement he has with their daughters. She feels that her husband favours the son and has a sense of guilt which is why he allows the son to behave in such a disrespectful and arrogant manner.

I felt sorry for her, what a difficult situation.

I guess that her story is not the only one like this out there, there are so many split families around, however I guess it’s how you treat the situation as to how your next relationship / family will unfold.

She said it’s always been the same for the 13 years that they have been together but has gotten worse since they had their girls and she sometimes questions why she puts up with it.

I didn’t ask her but I am wondering ‘Do you think the father feels guilty that he has moved on and is happy with someone other than the sons mother which is why he feels obliged to put the son first and almost neglects his new family of wife and 2 girls when the son is around?’.