Tag Archives: jealous

Family Disconnect.

Family disconnect.

There is an interesting saying, ‘you can choose your friends but you can’t choose your family’.

I was chatting with a close friend of mine last week about family and how some are just so different from ours. We were both saying how we feel ‘disconnected‘ from our families as we are so different in personalities and beliefs.

It’s interesting to me how people from the same blood line can be so different in many ways.

My friend was saying that when she had her children, she thought that her bond with her mother would become better and would bring them closer, but in actual fact it has become worse, almost like her mother is jealous of her?

The grandmother (her mother) doesn’t really see her children often, given that they don’t live close to each other, however the grandmother doesn’t even call the ask how they are. Which is sad and heartbreaking because even if you have differences with your child, shouldn’t you still want to be an active part in your grandchildren’s lives?

When I grew up, I was seeing my grandparents often. Weekly if not every few days. Now I can’t remember if this was because both my parents worked and we stayed with them whilst my parents worked, or if we were there on visits? Anyway, I have very fond memories of spending time with my grandparents. Doing nice things together and it brings back great memories and warmth within my heart.

I guess everyone is different and people have their own lives and agendas. It was sad to hear the pain in her voice though, feeling that because she and her mother don’t really get along, that her kids don’t have active grandparents within their lives.

I know society is different nowadays and some grandparents are still actively working full time and have their own social lives, but should the grandchildren be punished or miss out on having their grandparents in their lives because of family differences?

My little guy is off to kindergarten this year, however at the wonderful preschool that he attended, they would go visit a retirement village monthly so that the kids would have a ‘grandparent’ experience and also, so that the elderly would have interactions with young children. I thought this was great as my little guy loved it.

My two little ones don’t see their grandparents very often, so this was also great for my little man who relished in reading books with the elderly within that retirement village. They also played games of snap, hide and seek and did gardening and artworks. I personally think that it’s great for the elderly also, as sometimes they don’t have family visit or they don’t actually have any living family close by.

I think that there is a certain amount of happiness given in both behalves. The young ones receiving knowledge and time from their peers and the elderly receiving smiles, laughter, innocence and happiness from the kids. My little man would come home with such excitement in his voice telling me about all the amazing things he did with these caring and thoughtful people.

When I was about 14 years old, my best friend in high schools mother, used to work in a retirement village in our local town. After school we used to go past her mothers workplace and visit the elderly. We would read with them, listen to their stories, watch them play piano and play card games together. I remember some of the stories that I was being told by These retirees about getting a horse and cart to school as there were not busses, and only the very wealthy had cars. Looking around their rooms and seeing a very different lifestyle but all the same a very happy life that they had lead. Such fond memories that I still hold.

We are extremely fortunate to have the most wonderful neighbours. They adore our two little ones and are often popping over to see them and chat with them. My two also adore them. They have their own children and grandchildren, however they make the time and put in the effort for my two. Which I personally find special.

We have quite a long driveway to get to our mailbox, so even on the walk up my little girl will often ask if we can go visit Ken and Robyn. Which melts my heart because it shows she enjoys their interactions. We often bake for Ken and Robyn and take them treats when we visit.

In this day and age, why do people hold grudges within their families?

Why can’t differences be put aside for the sake of innocent children?

In the long run, it’s the children that suffer by not having active grandparents within their lives. I suppose the grandparents also will suffer in some ways as they are missing out on watching these gorgeous and innocent young children grow up?

I know that I can be stubborn and hold a grudge, but I don’t allow that to affect my children.

My heart breaks for my friend and her children. It’s a difficult situation. I guess that’s why the saying goes ‘you can choose your Friends but not family’.

What are your thoughts on this?

Are you disconnected from your family or parents?

Does it affect your children?

I’d love to hear from you. Drop me an email noordinarymummy@gmail.com

💕

Changing friendships

When friendships change after babies.

It’s a tough reality but it happens. Unfortunately when we have babies and our circle of friends don’t, things change. It’s not always the friends fault either, we as mums get busy, and the more children we have, the busier we become.

We have mothers group, early childhood visits, swimming lessons, reading class, gymbaroo, ballet, kick-a-roo’s, preschool and that’s just the start.

So we are not blaming our non parental friends at all. Well I’m not. I do however sometimes feel left out, like they are still out doing lots of amazingly fun things.

Don’t get me wrong, I love being a mummy more than anything ever in the whole world however I sometimes wonder what my life would be like if I were single and childless?

Would I be still going out to night clubs or how would I spend my Friday and Saturday nights? I’m 35, I think that if I was to go ‘clubbing’ I’d feel like a granny facing with 18 year olds. So no I guess I wouldn’t be going out and ‘partying’ as such.

I sometimes feel like perhaps our ‘common ground’ has changed and that we no longer have similar wants and interests. Being a mother requires you to be 100% devoted to your children 100% of the time. You bought them into this world and they are reliant on you to help guide them, teach them and look after them. They are your responsibility.

So what happens when your the ‘odd’ one out now that you have children and your friends don’t?

I have many supportive friends whom I still regularly catch up with. My best friend loves my children and we often catch up and still have fun together. She is 8 years younger than I am and doesn’t have children herself. However she recently became engaged but even prior to that, we would catch up on a regular basis, easily fortnightly. We have been friends for over 9 years and I have been married 5 and have 2 children, a 2yo and a 4month old.

She loves my children and treats them as her own. I appreciate that our catch up’s no longer involve nights out drinking and dancing. But we still make the effort to see each other and we take the kids to a park or we go to a child friendly cafe or even just for a walk. My children love being outdoors and call my best friend ‘Aunty’. Which I love as she is like a sister to me. It’s a compromise. She understands my situation and is happy to do child friendly things with me to include my children.

She has also passed comment that she loves my children and enjoys seeing them and understands and appreciates that my priorities have changed since having children and respects that I’m no longer ‘into’ going out clubbing or partying.

So why is it that some friends are not so forgiving and those friendships change so much that you feel like perhaps you have the ‘plague’ or ‘ebola’ and that your single friends no longer have time for you in their busy lifestyles?

I was reading an article on this a few weeks back and the writer suggested that perhaps the friends don’t like children or could even be envious?

Yes children are hard work and myself as a mother of 2 really young ones will be the first to admit that but I wouldn’t change it for anything.

I think that true friends will always make time for you and vice versa. They will accept that your life has changed but they won’t disown you.

It’s disappointing that we sometimes loose friends when our lives evolve but there are always some wonderful new ones just waiting to meet you. Other mummies with their own children and other common ground.

We all evolve and change as people lets take the positives with us and not allow the negatives or disappointment to hang around. True friends will always make an effort for their important friendships.

Cheat? Cheater? Cheating?

Cheating!

Once a cheat always a cheat?

I’m A huge believer in monogamy. Call me old fashioned but I don’t believe that you take vows of forever, in sickness and in health and make promises to your partner to be faithful if that’s not what you intend on doing.

I also don’t quite understand the idea that cheating is ok? Then the ‘cheater’ blaming their partner? How is this normal?

I’ve once heard that the ‘cheater’ said they no longer felt wanted by the partner which is why they cheated. Perhaps instead of infidelity they should talk to their partner and try to resolve issues?

I guess I’m some cases it’s their ego that needs a boost? This still doesn’t make it right in my eyes or beliefs.

It also makes me think, will the ‘cheater’ ever be happy and content with the one partner?

Will they always have the inclination to stray and cheat? Are they simply deceitful people?

What would you do if you were cheated on?

I was cheated on by a long term partner and initially I blamed myself, thinking I wasn’t enough and why couldn’t I make him happy or please him?

What I soon realised is that he was the one with the issues not me. It took me a while to stop blaming myself and realise that I actually did nothing wrong and that it was him at fault.

Infidelity generally comes from the same inner emptiness as alcoholism, drug abuse, food addiction, gambling, over spending and so on. In case ‘s of infidelity, when the underlying reason is emptiness due to self-abandonment, the addiction is to attention, approval or sex , using another person to fill the inner emptiness and take away the inner aloneness. Instead of being the ‘bigger person’ and ending the current relationship, the ‘cheater’ takes their emptiness and aloneness with them into their next relationship. And so the cycle continues.

Someone who cheats in one relationship is almost certain to do it again unless they fulfil themselves and heal their inner brokenness.

You cannot expect to put your emptiness and aloneness into someone else. You need to fix your own problems prior to staring a new relationship.

I know that I would never date someone whom I know has previously cheated. Perhaps I have trust issues from my past or perhaps I simply wouldn’t want the continual thoughts of ‘what are they up to, or am I enough?’

My theory is simple and I’ve known many people who cheat on their partners and many who have been cheated on. In my eyes it’s a low act.

Hurting someone for your own fulfilment. I don’t think these people ever change and that there will always be the inclination there for them to repeat offend.

I’ve been with my now husband almost 9 years, married for over 3 years and I can wholeheartedly say that yes we argue and yes I get cranky and upset with him, I personally don’t believe any relationship is perfect but at no stage have I or would i ever contemplate seeking intimacy with someone else.

If I have an issue or feel insecure, low, upset or angry I talk it out and make things work. I think cheating is an easy option for weak people to escape reality.

It takes a stronger person to fix a problem than to cheat and betray for your own personal pleasure hurting those who you supposedly love and care for the most.

I understand that someone may pursue you, however you have the control to walk away and not accept. Take responsibility for your actions and know that for every action, there is a reaction and reputations are hard to change.