Tag Archives: divorce

Raising a ‘bad ass’ daughter.

I love this.

I think there are great boundaries that girls have to break in order to be equal in today’s society.

I hope that my daughter is ‘bad ass’.

I know I’m trying to instil traits within her that I feel are important.

I definitely encourage being independent, good communication, respect, choices and failures.

We play outside, we hold worms, we brush off dirt if we happen to fall. I make an effort not to mollycoddle her with small incidents that can be dismissed.

I want her to be strong willed, opinionated and be strong enough to stand up for herself. I want that for both my children.

I grew up in a small town and there was lots of ‘bullying’ happening. There was lots of disconnection within many environments. I think having my parents divorce at such a young age helped me to be more resilient and self sufficient perhaps a little ‘bad ass’.

I’m not saying we need heartache or sadness or ‘bad’ things to happen to us to help us evolve and grow. I do believe that experiences help to open our minds and teach us lessons.

http://www.scarymommy.com/tips-raising-empowered-daughter/?utm_source=FB

What would you do?

What to do when it all falls apart.

Recently I’ve been chatting with friends and acquaintances about keeping your independence when your a SAHM. We were talking about a radio station that were running a ‘competition’ so to speak, where the public called in and said why they needed to win $10,000. There were 2 different people daily with different situations, they didn’t know each other but one of the callers had to decide if they needed the money more than the other caller and if they should keep it for themselves or give it to the other person. They would hear the other persons reasons for needing the $10,000 but the choice was theirs, keep it or give it.

Anyway, one caller was a young woman who had been married for 15 years, had 4 children and her husband had decided to end their marriage and he had started a new relationship with someone from his work place. He told the ex wife she was to move out of the family home, he was keeping the car and he was also cutting off her allowance. She had no job as she quit to raise the children and run the household.

The second caller was recently married, no children but suffering a illness that required an operation, which would cost them $9,000. The operation could be life saving:

Both these cases seem fair, but who would you chose to get the $10,000?
The stranded mother or the caller requiring the operation?
The decision was for the single mother to make the choice weather to give it or keep it, and she actually kept the money for herself.to get back on her feet and start again after her marriage ended.

As you can imagine were many back and forth opinions and I guess you could say it had many different perspectives both positives and also negatives.

I would have given it personally to the caller requiring the operation, apparently that operation was going to help basically save his life. I get that the single mum was doing it tough, but she had her health. Something that I think many of us don’t appreciate.

What do you find more important, setting yourself back up after a break up, or getting healthy and possibly saving a life?

So it got me thinking about all the ‘what if’s?’ To do with this single mothers situation.

What if you are a SAHM, you are solely reliant on your partner and the relationship ends? What do you do? You have no money as he controls it all. You have no where to go, as you need money in order to leave and reset yourself up. You have no job or employment so therefore no income coming in for yourself. So many variables.

Is this why some partners insist on ‘looking after things?’ So that they have the ‘upper hand’ or ‘are in control’ if things do end?

It is a tricky, and can be sensitive situation.

I myself have never relied on a man until I left my job after my first child. I was bought up by a single mother who worked 2 jobs to make ends meet and raise 3 children and pay the mortgage and bills etc. I always wanted to support myself and not have to rely on a man. And I did right up until 3 years ago.

I worked after I had my first child. It was great, I had my independence. I had my own money, my hours were flexible and I was still able to be with my child. I pretty much didn’t take maternity leave, instead my employer was extremely flexible and allowed me to work from home 4 days and in the office one day. It was such a great experience and understanding company allowing me to basically have the best of both worlds.

I would be up at 6:30am checking emails whilst my little guy laid beside me watching and having his morning bottle. Then we could play and when he would go down for his morning sleep where he would sleep for approx 2-2.5hrs, I’d get a load of work done. Then it would be play time again for a few hours, followed by him having his afternoon sleep, again for another 2hrs where I’d get a solid chunk of work done then also. I found I was wet productive as I wanted to get the ‘work’ done so that I could play with my little guy. I was still doing about 6hrs per day, much like an office job but from home and still around my little one. Anyway we moved house and my employer was wanting me in the office more than I could commit too and after many conversations, my husband decided it would be too far and hard for me to travel whilst being a SAHM. He was also working long hours and it would mean our little guy would have been in day care from approx 7:30am until around 6pm 5 days per week. So I resigned. I sometimes wish I still had my independence and own thing going on but I also feel very blessed to be able to have all this time with my little guy and now also my little girl.

Once we moved we had another child and let’s say life is busy! I now have a 3yo and 15mo…. πŸ™‚

I often think though, what would I do if he left me or if I left him?

I have no savings as he gives me a weekly allowance that is to pay for groceries, put fuel in the car, pay my mobile bill, buy the kids clothing and nappies etc. I wouldn’t know what to do. He looks after all the bills as he has the salary.

It got me thinking.

Should I try to work in order to have money for a ‘back up plan’?
That would mean that both my children would be in child care and that would possibly cost what I would be earning?
I’d also have rent to pay, I’d need to purchase my own car and also pay all my own bills.

So how would I do all that?

Children are simply not accepted into care straight away, most places have wait lists and hopefully days avail that I’d require.

Oh but getting a job is also not quite that simple. There is the application process, interview process and then hopefully a position that can, 1 – pay the required amount I’m salary for me to support myself and my children. 2 – be close to where I’d live or the children’s care centre so I wouldn’t be spending long periods of time commuting to and from work with children, and 3 – possibly be flexible enough to understand that being a single working mother i may occasionally need flexibility for my children.

Speaking out aloud about it and rationalising thoughts makes me realise just how hard things could be.

There always seems to be a compromise. But at what cost? Should I have resigned and given up all my independence? Should I be looking to start work again ‘just Incase’ something were to happen? Should I trust my husband will always look out for and after me and our family?

You our can never predict the future.

It certainly made me wonder what would I do.

What would you do?

Feel free to email me – noordinarymummy@gmail.com

Split families

Split Families.

I visited a friend recently who is in a similar position to myself. She had married a man who has children to his previous wife. 4 in fact.

Being that school holidays had just finished and a few more were just around the corner we were chatting about school holidays and how do they split them and also if she includes his children in in all their holidays.

Her response was very truthful and I agree.

She said they do split them but as her husband works full time and long hours, when his children are with them for the holidays he arranged for them to stay with his parents – the Childrens grandparents, half the time so that she doesn’t have to change her plans or do the running around after them. After all she said – quote – ‘they are not my children and they require a lot of work and it’s also important for them to see and spend time with their grandparents’.

I understand that this may offend some people but I think it’s a smart move. She has a 3 year old with her husband and is pregnant with their second child. She said their 3 year old is her main responsibility and that the other children are also old enough to be self sufficient.

Their ages are varied between 13 to 17. I agree that they are old enough to be self sufficient.

I also know that a toddler is busy and does require a lot of attention.

So when she said that her husband also believes that they should be doing things including ‘alone’ holidays with just them 2 (adults/parents/her and him/hubby and wife) and their child I was intrigued as I know my husband thinks that step children should be included in everything.

I asked why he says they need to do things with ‘just them’ and her response was ‘although he loves all his children it’s important for us to do things alone as our family, we do separate holidays with his children but he understands the importance of us having our time together. Me him and our son’.

I was impressed that her husband understands this as most split families are not as open minded and some have a sense of ‘guilt’ so therefore go over and beyond to try and make the step children or children to previous relationships feel super important and in most cases they get all the attention and are not self sufficient as they are mollycoddled. Or felt sorry for. (See previous post on step children which I write after meeting a family in fiji)

I get each family is different and everyone has different needs.

I also understand children to previous relationships still need to be included in some things but do they need to be included in everything?

Do you see importance of doing things as a family and not always having to include step children or children from previous relationships?

I think in most cases it will help the husband and wife’s relationship as my friend was saying that the 2 younger step children are quite jealous of the 3 year old and if her husband is playing with the 3 year old, the others interrupt and ask the father to do things that they know they 3 year old can do, that way the 3 year old is excluded.

What are your thoughts on this?

Do you think children to previous relationships should always be included in everything?

Should they get special treatment as the parents are no longer together?

Should there still be holidays for the new partner and their children?

Is it important to have separate holidays?

I’d love to hear from you – email me, noordinarymummy@gmail.com

 

Settlements and chores

Settlements and chores with marriage and divorce.

I recently read an article in Australia’s Marie Claire magazine about divorce settlements and how they are being settled.

To my shock these things are now being divided almost into a spreadsheet of what the women did around the house during the marriage and put a number on. For example, each load of washing was valued at $25.00.

After reading more into this breakdown it also detailed ‘babysitting duties’ at $25/hr, cooking at $15 per person per meal, school runs at $20/hr and so on.

So these women say have 3 children ranging from 5-15 years old and are married for 17 years and now getting settlements based on what they ‘earns’ during their marriage raising their families?

Please explain to me how this works?

I thought that being a mother was a blessing and not a job?

Why should we be paid or compensated for being given this privilege?

I understand that when we do become mothers and like myself some choose to become a stay at home mum and raise our children instead of keeping our careers and having our little ones in full time care, this is our choice. So why when things don’t go as planned are women expecting to get a lump dime pay out to compensate for loss of earnings?

The article I read had the woman seeking half her husbands superannuation, which I understand she hasn’t early any in the past however many years as she has been the home maker, but why is she entitled?

Along with half the super she is seeking the lump sum payment which looks a bit like this.

17 years
3 children
* 1 x load of washing per day @ $25 per load = $175 x 17 years = $546,976
* Baby sitting @ $25 per hour – 5 hours per day, = $125 x 5 days per week, the time she is at home alone each week day with the / her children = $625 x 15 years = $
* 6 x dinners per week @ $20 per meal for 5 people = $600 x 17 years = $
* Daily errands = $20 per hour @ 3hours per day = $60 x 7 days = $420 x 17 years = $
* Ironing @ $25 per basket x 2 baskets per week = $50 x 17 years =
* cleaning the family home @ $25 per hour x 3 days per week = $75 x 17 years = $
* Packing school lunches @ $10 per lunch, 3 x children.
10 years for the eldest @ 5 x days per week, $50 per week @ 40 weeks per year x 10 years = $20,000
5 years for the Middle child @ 5 days per week $10,000
1 year for the youngest @ 5 days per week $2,000
Total = $32,000

So this all equals $2,278.53 per week
Which equals $118,483.82 per year
Over 17 years equals $2,012,355.00

Keep in mind this doesn’t include her going for half the superannuation not half the combined assets.

Is this fair?

With the average Australian annual salary being $75,000 per annum what would you expect from your partner if you were to divorce after 17 years and raising 3 children?

Would you expect or want half his superannuation?

Would you expect a lump sum pay out similar to the above?

Who actually can afford to pay out over $2 million dollars in a divorce settlement?

Another article that I found interesting was one where the husband worked out what his wife’s annual salary should equate to if being paid on parental duties only. Surprising it’s $97,000 per annum – this is not including house hold chores.

http://www.mamamia.com.au/parenting/stay-at-home-salary/

Have you been divorced?

Do you find this fair?

Email me : noordinarymummy@gmail.com

Marriage

Marriage.

Do people just settle?

As my regular readers know, I love sex and the city. I still watch it on Foxtel and still love every little thing about it.

I recently watched the episode where Carrie’s friend ‘just settles’ as the guy is good on paper and she has reached a certain age and feels she needs to settle down as that’s just ‘what you do’.

So it’s made me think – yes I’m s traditionalist and I married for love. However I’ve been thinking of reasons other than love as to why people do marry and this is what I’ve came up with.

For money – yes some people to feel they need the financial guarantee or support for a particular lifestyle so I guess they ‘hunt’ down that person in order to get their needs met.

For religious beliefs – I recently watched a television show on channel 7 where the woman was married at an early age to a Muslim man and they were in love but after many years of his controlling ways and they had 2 beautiful children she wanted to leave him. He wouldn’t sign the divorce papers so when she went on a holiday overseas he lodged a marriage certificate to that country stating that they were still in fact married and as she had met someone else – after the separation she was now committing a crime within their religion. Her ex husband took their children and wouldn’t allow her access to them and almost destroyed her life. She was in hiding for many months as such a ‘crime’ – according to the ex husband could see her jailed for life or even the death penalty.

Now I’m not saying it’s only Muslims but I find it hard to agree with having to stay married if the person that you are married to is making your life miserable and is threatening you or causing harm or an unsafe environment for the family especially children.

For children – so I understand some people think that there is a time frame on when you can / should have children but I don’t understand women who fall pregnant in order to get proposed to? Each to their own though.

For convenience – so they no longer have to worry about a relationship?

So I’ve done some googling and found some other reasons why people get married other than the traditional reason for being in love.

I’d love to hear your thoughts or reasonings for getting married.

Email me – noordinarymummy@gmail.com

Because you love them or really like them.

Because she wants to.

Because you don’t seem to be going anywhere.

Because you don’t want anyone else to have them.

Because, wait β€” how old are you?

Because of God.

Because your boss is married or all your friend’s are married or getting married so you should too?

Because the sex is good.

Because the fights are good.

Because the sex after the fights is really good.

Because they pick up the dry cleaning.

Because you know that even if it gets bad, life will probably be easier, happier, with them than without them.

Because you believe that it’s going to work out.

What ever your reason, I just hope it lasts and its your right reason.

Bitter and twisted!

In recent days and weeks I’ve met some very bitter and angry people. Mostly women who think the works is against them since their divorce. Women of all ages, ranging 32 to 50+ and they have a mindset that since their divorce, the world owes them something as their marriage didn’t work.

Such a shame.

Why are they so bitter and twisted?

Perhaps their marriage failed because of their mindset?

I understand some people are just unhappy in life and unhappy in general. What I don’t understand is why are they persisting in taking it out on everyone else and making those around them suffer for their unhappiness?

You are the only one who can change your mindset.

If your unhappy, change your situation. Make yourself happy.
Do things you enjoy.
Smile!

By being bitter and twisted with life and being negative around others and expecting everything to be your way or it’s not right or your not complying is only going to make things worse for yourself.

People feed from those around them energy and if your negative, or fake in anyway you will realise people won’t want to be around you.

As the saying goes ‘surround yourself with like minded people as happiness is contagious’. I truly believe.

Nothing is more unattractive than a sad sack, feeling sorry for themselves and expecting others to do things either their way or work around their needs.

It’s a very selfish attribute and that’s possibly the reason you are angry and bitter at the world.

Anger, bitterness and self loathing are a vicious cycle. Your the only one who can break it and create something g nicer and happier for yourself.

Go on, give it a chance.

Be nice to some one, do some one a favour and don’t expect anything g in return. You may just surprise yourself and how good it feels to be happy and helpful rather than bitter and twisted!

Step children.

On my recent holiday to Fiji I met some lovely people. All different and from various countries but no the less similar.

It seems almost 1 in 3 family’s have step children. Given that the divorce rates here in Australia alone are high, statistics show that approx 48% of marriage ends in divorce.

This one woman I met was quite opinionated on her step child.

On day 4 of our holiday my toddler and I were swimming in one of the family friendly pools when she came with her 2 year old daughter to play with us. My little one had a dump truck, spade and rake in the pool which seemed to be a hit with other children.

So the usual conversation started, she asked me then I asked her the same questions,’how long have you been here, how long are you staying, is this your first Fiji trip, who are you with? Etc

Her response was she was with her husband, their two daughters and her husbands son.

Her husbands son I thought? She then elaborated that She and her husband had been together 13 years and they had 2 daughters together, a 5 year old and a 2 year old. The ‘husbands son’ was 19 and from his previous relationship. I didn’t divulge any deeper but she was more than happy to tell me all about the situation.

The husbands son seems to be the ‘favourite’ child, let’s face it when it comes to break ups, there is always pity on the ‘poor child’ who’s parents are no longer together.

She went on to tell me that she didn’t have much to do with him as he is bad mannered, disrespectful towards her, arrogant and expecting. He apparently ‘wants for nothing and receive’s all he asks for, she mentioned that they are certainly not wealthy but the father buys and does whatever the son asks. She also proceeded to tell me that he demands his fathers attention and because her husband doesn’t see the son too often as he lives with his mother he feels feels obliged to give him his undivided attention when he does see him. I asked how often does her husband see his son and she replied with ‘every second weekend’.

She said that she has no doubt that her hubby loves their two daughters but wishes he put as much effort into them as he does his 19 year old son. She said that when the son is around the daughters are often not included with the father and sons activities.

Quite sad really. I think that as the girls grow up they will see this behaviour and perhaps resent both the father and his son?

I asked her how it affects her marriage and she replied with ‘it’s great when the son isn’t around’. I guess I wasn’t surprised as there are many similar situations like this.

Which makes me wonder, do you have to like your step children?

This woman certainly gave me the impression that she doesn’t like her step son at all. She said a few other things which shocked me and I think that if I was in her position I wouldn’t like the husbands son either.

She says she tolerates her husbands son for his sake but cringes each time the son is over, as it generally means that she and her husband argue over his parenting style with the son and the lack of involvement he has with their daughters. She feels that her husband favours the son and has a sense of guilt which is why he allows the son to behave in such a disrespectful and arrogant manner.

I felt sorry for her, what a difficult situation.

I guess that her story is not the only one like this out there, there are so many split families around, however I guess it’s how you treat the situation as to how your next relationship / family will unfold.

She said it’s always been the same for the 13 years that they have been together but has gotten worse since they had their girls and she sometimes questions why she puts up with it.

I didn’t ask her but I am wondering ‘Do you think the father feels guilty that he has moved on and is happy with someone other than the sons mother which is why he feels obliged to put the son first and almost neglects his new family of wife and 2 girls when the son is around?’.