Tag Archives: Discipline

Who’s right to discipline?

Who’s right to discipline?

Yet again I’ve had strangers pass comment on my children. This time however my 2 year old was being a little bossy.

Now I’m not a helicopter parent, I do allow him to play in the park or at an indoor play centre with other children and I don’t hover to ensure everything that he does is by ‘others standards’.

The other day we happened to be at an indoor play centre with some friends and my little guy was playing on a climbing thing which had slides and a ball pit and various other child friendly things.

My little guy was happily playing with other children (some we didn’t know, but hey I’d rather he make friends with other children than be shy) I was sitting approx 10 meters away watching him happily play with an older boy whom I’m guessing was approx 4 or 5 years old.

Now let’s be honest with ourselves, boys can be rough, they can be boisterous and they can be bossy. Gosh girls can be also but I find girls more bossy than boisterous. Anyway, my 2 yo was playing with this older child at the top of the climbing frame and another child was climbing up when my 2 yo said ‘you can’t come in my castle’. He and the little boy he was playing with them laughed and ran away. Now I would have thought that at some time or another any child would say such things. I didn’t see any harm in it and the older boy whom my little guy was playing with was saying the same thing. I don’t know who instigated it but they were both saying it.

I was watching from afar and could see that my little guy wasn’t being rough, nor hitting, nor pushing it being ‘hands on’ in any way.

I saw an older man approx 55 walk towards all 3 boys shaking his finger. I thought best I’d go intervene. As I was walking over the older man said to me ‘is this your kid?’ I responded yes. He then said in a quite abusive tone ‘he is being bossy, either you stop it or I will’.

My response was quite civil and I said ‘sorry, they were only playing’ I then smiled and walked away with my 2 yo. I could have reacted in a very different way and now I kinda wish I had of told this old ‘bleep’ where to go and mind his own business. If I had of reacted that way though I would only be stooping to his low inappropriate level.

Now I’m not sure what planet this guy came from but in my planet, I’d never say that to another parent nor would I threaten to discipline another child nor would I discipline someone else’s child. I find it down right rude that a stranger thought he had the right to say that to me or anyone and also think that he had the right to act upon it.

I went and got my son from the climbing thing and took him back to the table and asked him what he was doing. He said just playing, the friend that I was with and her children said he wasn’t doing anything wrong from what they could see.

What was this mans problem?

Who in their right mind would think its ok to disciple someone else’s children? Especially a strangers child?

I wonder how he would feel if the roles were reversed and I decided to act the way he did. I wonder what his reaction would be?

This is a very busy indoor play centre and I have been there previously with my children many times and have never had any issues up until this day.

Now I’m the first to admit, kids will be kids and I try not to be a helicopter parent but under no circumstances would I allow my child to be a bully or to hurt other children. I do monitor and watch my child’s every move but I certainly don’t panic and I do allow him to make his own choices. After all I do want my children to be well rounded and be able to make their own positive choices.

My child has been picked on and bullied to an extent previously but as most adults know, kids will be kids. I didn’t intervene, I simply chatted to him about it. Children push boundaries it’s their way of expressing themselves and working out each other personalities. If my son was being aggressive or hitting or touching the other child perhaps I would have been a little more cross at him and more understanding towards the grumpy man. Instead my 2yo and the older boy were simply playing and said the other child wasn’t allowed in their castle. I’m pretty sure other children have said similar if not worse.

This isn’t where it stopped though. As I was walking back, an older woman decided to say to me as I passed her table ‘your little boy is so naughty, so so naughty’. I just gave her a look of ‘mind your own business’.

So where does the issue start and stop?

Does this strange man or strange woman have the right to speak to me the way they did?

Was my 2 yo out of line?

Is it their right to discipline other people’s children?

How would you feel if you or your child were spoken to in this way?

Would you disciple another child that wasn’t yours?

Email me – I’d love to hear your stories. noordinarymummy@gmail.com

Taming the toddler!

Taming the toddler!

Dressing my 2 year old of late feels like I’m wrestling a crocodile – not that I’ve wrestled a croc but it seems that since he started preschool, a whole new world has begun!

Simple tasks like dressing him is full on with him running around being cheeky and making it more of a game, I get one leg of his pants in then he runs off expecting me to chase him with the only contained leg falling out, back to square one.

Although this is cute and can be a fun game, I’m 6 months pregnant and get out of breath easily and also can’t move as quick as I normally can nor can I manoeuvre myself as well with my tummy! The simple task of dressing that once took 5 minutes now can take up to 20.

He only goes to preschool 1 day per week and has only been a handful of times. This is also his first time in any day care / preschool facility as I’m a stay at home mum and whilst I was working he had a nanny one day per week whom would come to our home and care for him there, therefore he was still in his comfort zone.

So since starting preschool – which I do believe is good for him and will get better, the drop offs are very hard with tears and tantrums from my lil guy and him shouting ‘me no likey preschool’. ‘I go home now’ and ‘peese mummy no go’. Breaks my heart every time! Perhaps I’m just a clingy mum or not tough enough? However I am re assured by the centre director and other staff that he does calm down and settle after approx 15 minutes of me leaving.

I also know that it’s not the preschools fault that he is behaving this way, he is only 2 and being put in a new environment can be challenging for anyone.

On pick up I get the best reception from him with a huge smile then him running towards me followed by huge hugs having both his innocent little arms tightly wrapped around my neck and have him almost climbing up on top of me to get closer then followed by a big kiss. Makes my whole day to get that love from him as I certainly do miss him.

That evening and next day though can be tiring as he becomes extremely clingy and needing with him following me everywhere I go and holding my hand even walking around our home.

This I love, but bed time becomes another challenge with him no wanting to go to bed alone and insisting that I stay in his bedroom with him. If i try to leave I get tears and heartbreak. I think to myself, be tough and just make him stay alone to sleep but then my softer side says, why not sit with him, he is two and he won’t want me to ‘hold him’ for too many more years. Yes he says in the sweetest little voice ‘peese mummy old me’ which means he would like my hand to rest on his heart whilst he falls asleep – bless him.

He has also learnt lots of new sentences, including him putting his finger across his lips and saying ‘shhh, stop it, sit down’ something I’m guessing his teachers must say? And another one ‘umm I dont think so’. Don’t get me wrong I’m glad his vocabulary is expanding and he is learning better sentences however not sure I like those particular sentences coming from my ‘just turned 2 little guy?.

Another wonderful side effect from day care is the lashing out. He has certainly been asserting himself, mainly with other boys and generally it’s a jealous thing, like them playing with his toys or even being too close to me. He has never been an aggressive or rough child but the past 2 weeks have shown me that he can be quite rough with pushing and throwing things.

From studying my counselling course I’ve learnt that it’s very normal for a toddler or child to lash out or behave aggressively when they have a major change in their young lives as they are stamping out their emotions, asserting themselves and also trying to work out how and where they fit into the change.

It’s almost like they are pushing boundaries to see how far they can get, asserting themselves and making their own path. This does settle down but it’s a big adjustment for them.

Should you try to tame a toddler?

My theory is to allow them to show their personality but set boundaries. I’m not going to raise a brat or disrespectful child. My little man already has boundaries and though I do discipline him I also explain why I’m disciplining him and try to help him understand what he has done wrong and how not to do it again.

I’m not huge on smacking but I do believe in time out. I sit my little guy on his bed, get down to his eye level, ask him to look at me whilst I’m talking to him and speak to him in an assertive but compassionate voice. I don’t like to raise my voice but he does recognise the difference in the tone in my voice and that he is in trouble. He then sits on his bed with the door closed for 2 minutes. I then go back to his room and explain again what he has done wrong and generally find that he is remorseful.

I’ve heard that 3 year olds are worse than 2 year olds? Gosh! I love my little guy more than the world but he certainly tests me and keeps me on my toes at times, here is for hoping 3 isn’t worse!

How do you tame your toddler?

What are your experiences?

Is it just us or is parenting an emotional rollercoaster?

Every day brings its highs and lows and unexpected loopty-loops.

There are moments of absolute joy that lift us up and take our breath away. And then there are trying moments such as those when the little one decides to draw all over your nice white walls with black permanent marker that bring us down and also take our breath away.

Yet through it all, there’s something in us that forgives our little ones need for attention and we forget, open our arms, scoop them up and love them all over again!

The uncomplicated love of a parent.

Manipulation.

Manipulation and mind games.

So apparently all children can manipulate? I agree with this statement to an extent.

My little one certainly tries to manipulate me, he does this by being very cute, snugging up then asking me to play. Ok so this isn’t typical manipulation but it’s a form right?

This leads me to my next point. How many types of manipulation are there and what are they?

At what age do children start to manipulate?

Do they understand what they are doing? They may not know or understand the word, but I’m pretty damn sure a lot of children know what they are doing.

I know a lot of adults who manipulate on a regular basis, it often makes me wonder if they realise what they are doing, or are they simply that way inclined?

Is manipulation part if our personality?

Is it embedded in some of us?

Do these people enjoy manipulating?

Why do they feel they need to manipulate to get what they want?

Do that have that low of self esteem that they feel they have to manipulate?

Are they simply negative and nasty people who feel they deserve to be this way?

And my questions keep rolling…..

Manipulation is mainly know as ‘mind games’. These type of mind games I believe can be innocent or much more purposeful and deceiving. Most manipulation is used to ‘get what you want’ right? Why else would people play ‘mind games’?

As human beings, our emotions often take over our judgments therefore making it difficult for us to see the reality behind some certain hidden agendas or motives in different forms of behaviour. (Manipulation)

The controlling aspects or shrewdness can be linked to manipulation that are sometimes very subtle and may be easily overlooked, pushed aside, lost under feelings of obligation, love, or in fact our daily personal habits.

 
To understand the characteristics of a manipulative personality is not always easy as they may not always obvious. This can be because they play a silent game of building up obligations toward them. In the end it makes you feeling guilty, pressured, and obliged to carry out things for their sake even though you’re still wondering how things got to this point. How did they manage to get you to do this or behave that way?

I’ve found that the best way to judge a manipulative person is to observe their actions. Be a little patience with this and start with being polite and nice to them and saying thank you for letting me know this need to be done this way. Sooner you will come to know their reality. Actions speak louder than words.

Some manipulative people will guide people to do things in certain way. Telling them that doing do thing a particular way is for everyone’s good. In actual fact they don’t want to change themselves and want to stay in their own comfort zone. So these manipulative people will tell you stories about how someone else’s actions created problems for everyone. They might try scare tactics by also telling sad endings like he/she was asked to leave by everyone etc etc. Don’t fall victim to their stories. Just do what you think is right and essential. Of course considering others comfort also. But don’t sacrifice your rights and thoughts for them.

A martyr style personality behaves as if they are being considerate toward other people but is actually messing up considerateness with a need to be significant to you. By “martyring” themselves, they are doing things nobody has asked of them or wants them to do but in the process creates a ‘bind’ when they do them. In “doing you a favor”, their expectation increases that you have to return their favor. This type of person may also complain constantly about all the things they do for you and wonder rhetorically when you’re going to return this favor…

Excessively needy and dependent personalities tend to be people who feel uncomfortable in their own skin, this type of personality you will find often puts forward their own opinions and ideas which can quite often be hiding their manipulative behavior so that it seems as if you are responding on your own accord even though they’ve set up everything to have you respond directly to their neediness.

Narcissists. This is the archetypal manipulative personality and it’s very hard to deal with this master manipulator.

You. Seriously, at one time or other, every single one of us will practice manipulative behaviors in one form or other. It is just that for most people, manipulative actions tend to be one-off or only occasional instances rather than a purposeful map for daily living and interaction with others.

It’s interesting to note the possible types of ways in which people try to manipulate one another.

There are some key behaviors that can end up in manipulation, and it’s helpful to know how to spot them before walking right into them. Some are below.

The assumption statement – this manipulative tactic seeks to turn your behavior into what the beholder perceives it as, whether or not their interpretation is accurate. This soon leads to a guilt trip because no matter what happens, your rejection is proof of the assumption.

He said, she said – this manipulative ploy is pseudo-sociology in action. The manipulator takes it upon themselves to tell you what someone else said was the right thing to do. A third party perhaps your employer, partner or friend. It’s a handy way of pushing aside the responsibility from themselves while loading it all onto you.

The confronting statement is a manipulative approach set about to cause an argument. That way, the provoker will end up making you feel terrible over something you didn’t actually do or say but for which they believe you should feel guilty over anyway and they’ll get a huge chunk of sympathy from others with which they start to manipulate you all over again.

Self-pity manipulation, claiming to be unloved/sick/victimized, etc. At times each one of us has times when we’re really in need of some tender self-care but long-term manipulators can make a habit of being the victim or the one needing special attention. This often happens when you may be getting attention and they long for the attention. This can also be seen as ‘attention seeking’ quite often manipulators are also attention seekers.

The guilt trip – this manipulative behavior seeks to make you feel guilty and is aimed at sending you into the land of “should” rather than standing up for your own values.

Guilt trips are also really high on the list of manipulative personality tools. If you can get someone else to feel guilty, then you’re done! Only trouble is, people wear out after being made to suffer guilt trip after guilt trip and then the manipulator who thinks that he or she is on to a good thing here eventually will lose respect, friends, and will be distanced by those who can’t get away, such as family and co-workers. One of the key things to remember with ‘guilt trippers’ it’s hard to escape the guilt trip. The sooner you stop it the better, and that it’s their guilt trip, not yours.

No matter what age, we can all seem to ‘manipulate’ to some extent to get what we want at some point in our lives.

Fact is some people seem to do it more often to gain what they feel they deserve.

What are your thoughts on manipulation?