Tag Archives: counsellor

Emotions.

Emotions and crying when angry.

Emotions are funny aren’t they?

They make us laugh, cry, smile, happy, frustrated, angry, irritated and much more.

I was going back through some of my old study note’s from when I was studying to become a counsellor. A topic that I came across was emotions and how we deal with them. I remember finding this subject quite interesting and one that I actually got great marks in my assessment for. (Quiet pat on my own back )

Emotions can get the better of us and in some cases can cause people to react or act irrationally.

I started reading through these notes and thinking about my personality and how I react to different situations. I know that when I’m extremely angry I cry. I find it hard to control. It’s almost like I get wild sensation come over me and tears come pouring out.

Some may say this is a sweet softer side of me, I’m also known to be quite hot headed and protective. (Yes I can loose it but I’m mainly ‘ticked’ and will become extremely protective, especially of my children or those close to me. I become a Mumma bear and hath have no fury like a Mumma pushed too far! 😉)

As I have aged I have learnt to ‘wind in’ my hot head and be more diplomatic but in some situations my tears still stream with anger. I suppose tears are better than yelling at someone or becoming violent right? I suppose it’s the more mature reaction but, I sometimes feel as though my tears are not seen for what they are (anger) and could be seen as sadness, defeat or fear?

Sometimes children cry with frustration when they can’t describe or control their emotions. They get sad when they don’t get their own way and cry right?

I cry with anger. With my anger, it’s generally because I feel as though my thoughts and values have been attacked, everyone is entitled to their own feelings and thoughts and no ones are right or wrong. We are all different therefore have different values. Who says your interpretation of something is right and mine is wrong? Or vice versa?

The physical sensations when I feel personally attacked or angry are similar to anxiety, which for me include a racing heart and tightness in the body. I loose my appetite, feel hot, feel like my face is sunburnt and feel a pressure in my chest, almost like someone is pushing against me. It’s weird but that’s how my body deals with it.

I have tried for many years to control the tears when I’m angry, but sometimes this emotion overcomes my control.

What I have learnt from negative emotions though is that if we dwell on it or allow it to manifest in us. They will overtake our lives and make us miserable.

Negative emotions stop us from thinking and behaving rationally and seeing situations in their true perspective. When this occurs, we tend to see only we want to see and remember only what we want to remember. This only prolongs the anger or grief and prevents us from enjoying life.

The longer this goes on, the more entrenched the problem becomes. Dealing with negative emotions inappropriately can also be harmful – for example, expressing anger with violence.

Some people can be overly emotional or sensitive, which is fine everybody is different. For me learning about emotions whilst studying to be a counsellor has helped me to understand other people’s personalities a little more. Reading their body language and reacting appropriately to their feelings.

I think the biggest factor for me personally, and what stands out from my studies is that negative emotions also can manifest in personal insecurities, general unhappiness, stress and anxiety which can lead to depression.

I know a few people who suffer depression and are on medication for it. Depression for some is described as a disease. I won’t go into depression as that’s a whole other topic and I could blog about it all day, a subject close to my heart. However emotions are natural, we cannot control them fully and we will never fully understand them.

Emotions are psychological (our thoughts) and biological (our feelings). Our brain responds to our thoughts by releasing various hormones and chemicals into our blood stream which send us into a state of arousal. All emotions come about this way, be it positive or negative. It’s complex and can be overwhelming which can also make it hard to overcome.

What we need to learn to do more is, let go of what has made you angry or emotional – constantly going over negative events preoccupies you and stops you from living in the ‘present’ and will manifest in making you feel sad and unhappy.

2nd wife?

The second wife.

So as with most mums whilst my little one is playing and running around at the park I generally chat to other mummies whilst watching him.

I had this very interesting conversation with the other day with another mummy who like mine, her husband was married before her. She called herself the 2nd wife, which I found an interesting label.

So after swapping stories that my hubby was previously married and that we have 1 child together with another on the way, she also had 1 child with her hubby and they were trying for another we got talking about the strangest label of being ‘the 2nd wife’.

When I asked her why she called herself the 2nd wife her answer was simple and true, because she is the second wife.

Her hubby was married previously. She continued to tell me that it’s not a bad thing and that in fact she see’s it as a positive. She said that lots of men have baggage these days and instead of seeing all the negatives, she focuses on the positives.

So after sharing a few laughs and chatting for about an hour I asked ‘so tell me some of these positives, of being the second wife?’.

Her list began –

He made his mistake with the first one and now knows not to do it again.

He now appreciates it takes 2 to make a marriage work and effort on both sides is required.

He now knows what he wants from a marriage and is willing to work for it.

He know’s what he will and won’t put up with from his wife, yet also understand what is acceptable. No frequent big boozy nights and she isn’t the live in help.

So I thought I’d do some further research.

Now this is no disrespect to those on their first marriage, it may be the only marriage that you have. I myself am in my first marriage. However with divorce rates so high, almost 50% of all marriages end in divorce if both parties are on their first marriage. If one or both are on a second marriage, it drops by almost half. Hmmm interesting statistics, so I needed to look into this further for myself. This is what I found in an article written in the UK Daily Mail.

Couples in second marriages are ‘less likely to get divorced’ because they benefit from the experience of the first.

This study found those on their second union benefit from age and experience, and are more ready to commit. Rather than sliding into a marriage without much thought they will have carefully weighed the pros and cons.

Couples on their second marriage are more likely to stay together as they benefit from the experiences and lessons of the past.

‘One possibility is that higher age is a proxy for higher income. Higher income acts as a buffer against some of the everyday difficulties faced by most couples.

‘Another possibility is that higher age means there are fewer young children from prior relationships. ‘And fewer second marriages for men are subject to the social and family pressures that lead into some first marriages. Hence men tend to do better second time round.’

Relationship expert Dr Pam Spurr said that while previous statistics have shown that second marriages break down more quickly, maturity may well aid to save a second marriage.

She added the second marriages can be particularly problematic when there are children from both previous marriages.

And Relate counsellor Paula Hall pointed out that money can be tighter in a second marriage due to divorce settlements and child support payments etc so their is more strain on finances within the second marriage however knowing the respect for each other and working together maturely, issues like these can be resolved. It’s been days that second marriages are less expectant on materialistic things and focus more on inner love and happiness.

But she added: ‘People in second marriages seem to have more insight and self-awareness. Having gone through divorce and separation, there can be more motivation to work through problems and save the marriage.’

Are you on your second marriage?

Do you have any insight on marriage?

I’d love to hear your stories.

Noordinarymummy@gmail.com

Huff post – great read – toddlers who try!

I just read this article and felt the need to share it.

Its such a great read and also throws in some helpful information on getting your toddler to try more or I believe help with independence.

There is no harm in helping your child and doing things for them however I’m a big believer teaching self independence and with teaching comes knowledge and hopefully self respect and good self esteem levels.

Have a read and tell me what you think.

noordinarymummy@gmail.com
Copyright © 2014 TheHuffingtonPost.com, Inc. | “The Huffington Post” is a registered trademark of TheHuffingtonPost.com, Inc. All rights reserved
THE BLOG
Why Some Kids Try Harder and Some Kids Give Up
Tracy Cutchlow 09/16/14 07:05 PM ET
My toddler struggled to buckle the straps on her high chair. “Almost,” she muttered as she tried again and again. “Almost,” I agreed, trying not to hover. When she got it, I exclaimed, “You did it! It was hard, but you kept trying, and you did it. I’m so proud of you.

The way I praised her effort took a little effort on my part. If I hadn’t known better, I might have just said, “Clever girl!” (Or even “Here, let me help you with that.”) What’s so bad about that? Read on.

Stanford researcher Carol Dweck has been studying motivation and perseverance since the 1960s. And she found that children fall into one of two categories:

Those with a fixed mindset, who believe their successes are a result of their innate talent or smarts
Those with a growth mindset, who believe their successes are a result of their hard work
Fixed mindset: ‘If you have to work hard, you don’t have ability.’

Kids with a fixed mindset believe that you are stuck with however much intelligence you’re born with. They would agree with this statement: “If you have to work hard, you don’t have ability. If you have ability, things come naturally to you.” When they fail, these kids feel trapped. They start thinking they must not be as talented or smart as everyone’s been telling them. They avoid challenges, fearful that they won’t look smart.

Growth mindset: ‘The more you challenge yourself, the smarter you become’

Kids with a growth mindset believe that intelligence can be cultivated: the more learning you do, the smarter you become. These kids understand that even geniuses must work hard. When they suffer a setback, they believe they can improve by putting in more time and effort. They value learning over looking smart. They persevere through difficult tasks.

What creates these beliefs in our kids? The type of praise we give them — even starting at age 1.

The research

In one study, Dweck gathered up fifth graders, randomly divided them in two groups, and had them work on problems from an IQ test. She then praised the first group for their intelligence:

“Wow, that’s a really good score. You must be smart at this.”

She praised the second group for their effort:

“Wow, that’s a really good score. You must have tried really hard.”

She continued to test the kids, including presenting them with a choice between a harder or easier task.

Kids praised for their effort tended to take the challenging task, knowing they could learn more. They were more likely to continue feeling motivated to learn and to retain their confidence as problems got harder.

Kids praised for their intelligence requested the easier task, knowing there was a higher chance of success. They lost their confidence as problems got harder, and they were much more likely to inflate their test scores when recounting them.

Later, Dweck and her colleagues took the study out of the lab and into the home. Every four months for two years, Stanford and University of Chicago researchers visited fifty-three families and recorded them for ninety minutes as they went about their usual routines. The children were 14 months old at the start of the study.

Researchers then calculated how often parents used each type of praise: praising effort; praising character traits; and “other praise” that has a neutral effect, like “Good!” and “Wow!”

They waited five years.

Then the researchers surveyed the children, now 7 to 8 years old, on their attitudes toward challenges and learning. Children with a growth mindset tended to be more interested in challenges. Which kids had a growth mindset? Those who had heard more process praise as toddlers.

Can you unfix a fixed mindset?

I got an email from an inner-city high school teacher. “Is it too late to learn algebra, or third-person singular conjugation, or rocket science if you didn’t [develop a growth mindset] when you were 4 years old?” she asked.

Dweck had the same question. So she took middle-schoolers and college students who had fixed mindsets. She found that the students were able to improve their grades when they were taught that the brain is like a muscle: intelligence is not fixed.

It’s not too late — not for your kids, and not for you. Salman Khan of Khan Academy is on a mission to let you know it. He created an inspiring video, based on Dweck’s work, titled “You Can Learn Anything”:
The message: The brain is like a muscle. The more you use it, the stronger it gets. The way you exercise your brain is by embracing challenges, practicing skills, learning new things. As Khan puts it, “the brain grows most by getting questions wrong, not right.”

Which is why, when my toddler was trying to snap her own buckle, I needed to encourage her to take on the challenge by saying, “Almost!” and “Try again” instead of “Here, let me do that for you.”

Pass it on

Sharing is caring, as they say. “If society as a whole begins to embrace the struggle of learning, there is no end to what that could mean for global human potential,” Khan writes.

So pass it on!