Tag Archives: Behaviour

Is technology ruining our children?

I’ve said a few times that I think technology makes children anti social and causes many other issues.

Here is yet another great read on negative affects that technology has on our children.

This is possibly the third article on this subject that has came into my feed within about a month.

I’m a big believer in everything in moderation. I grew up playing outside, using my imagination and enjoying the outdoors – yes I know, I grew up in a small country town and my childhood was approx 3 decades ago, however I would not change it for the world.

I limit my children’s screen time.

I’ve seen the affects technology can have on children. What negative behaviour it can create. I’m not saying to can it totally, I just think we should all perhaps think prior to passing our little ones our smart phones to ‘keep them quiet or occupied’. Why not read a book with them, play eye spy, kick a ball outside, start drawing, explore in your garden or in a park, collect leaves, make an indoor cubby? So many other options and ways to create fun with our children that does not require technology.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/mental-wealth/201508/screentime-is-making-kids-moody-crazy-and-lazy

Tough days.

I will be honest, today was tough…

I cried on numerous occasions out of frustration and the feeling of defeat.

My very robust and super active 4 year old has been waking about 5am every morning for the past 2 weeks. I am tired.

Throughout the day he is busy, although he can play solo, he has been craving my attention and begging me to play with him. It’s not quiet play though. He wants to play superheroes or Jiu Jitsu. Both of which involve wrestling or jumping around ‘chasing bad guys’. It’s exhausting.

I try to tell myself that he is only 4 and I should relish in his want to play with me, as soon he may not want to, but – and I know there should not be a but, but there is. I’m tired.

I stay up late waiting for my husband to get home which is generally about 9:30pm. He works late most nights. By the time we chat, reconnect and have some time together, it’s about 11pm. Only to be woken at 5am if not earlier.

Running on empty and then having busy days it can get the better of me, and today it did.

I’m usually quite strong and can handle a lot. I take it in my stride, but I’m also human.

Today my little guy pushed all kinds of boundaries. As did my 18mo. They fed of each other’s energy and both were full on.

Whilst we were out at Jiu Jitsu this afternoon my little guy was just being silly and another mother passed a comment, a negative comment that hurt my feelings. I chose to ignore it but eventually it got to me and my eyes welled up. Yep in public, I was so embarrassed I tried to hold it together but the tears streamed down my face.

I had to go outside and get ‘fresh air’. It was hard.

I know he is still only 4. I also know he is pushing boundaries and I need to set some really firm ones.

Today I just wanted to ‘give in’. I had a burn inside me where I wanted to pack both my kids back into the car and drive home. Drive to my safe place where there is no one to judge me. No one to tell me how to reprimand my child. No one to snarl at me. No one to pass negative comments at me. No judging eyes. No looking down your nose at me and No looks of disgust.

I then got this post hit my mail box.

It clicked.

I needed it.

I know I shouldn’t feel embarrassed or threatened by my children’s behaviour, but today I did.

Tomorrow is a new day.

Stop Feeling Threatened By Your Child’s Behavior

Helping your child deal with frustrations.

Such a great read!

My little guy can become frustrated and angry, he is only 3, and as a result he ‘flips out’.

This is a result of many things.

– The fact that he cannot articulate his feelings at this stage. He doesn’t really know what he is feeling except happy or angry or sad. ‘Feelings’ are generally acknowledged around age 5/6.

– He cannot control his emotions properly. This is something that is generally learnt around 4/5 years old.

– He could be feeling overwhelmed.

– He may be overtired. I don’t always know if he is waking through the night. A disruptive sleep can make anyone short tempered.

– Hunger. He could be having a ‘growth spurt’ and may very well be hungry. Or he could be too busy playing or doing something that he doesn’t eat enough. We can only monitor so much so if he isn’t eating properly he may not be able to deal with various situations. I know I’m I’m hungry. I can get angry and not even realise!

A great tip that I’ve learnt from this article to help children deal with anger and frustration is creating a ‘Mad List’. I’ve copied the paragraph from this article explaining ‘Mad List’. Very easy to do and I think, would be useful.

Mad list – When my son was younger, a mad list was the secret to helping him vent his frustration. Young children need to vent (just like adults), but they don’t yet know how to do that. Screaming and flailing feels good in the moment, so they go with what works.

Ask your child to name all of the things that make him mad. Write down his list on a piece of paper while he vents his emotions. Provide empathy and understanding while you do this. Kids need to feel understood, and a simple, “Ooh, that makes me mad, too!” shows that you get it. Once the list is complete, ask your child to tear it into tiny pieces (this provides a much needed physical release of emotion) and throw them in the air. Then collect the pieces together and throw them out for good.

Go on. Do yourself a favour, click on this link and have a read.
You may already use these strategies.
You may have already heard of them.
If you haven’t, perhaps try them?
If you already use them, how have they worked for you?

Id love to hear your experiences and thoughts on these.

http://www.pbs.org/parents/expert-tips-advice/2016/02/teach-frustration-tolerance-kids/?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=pbsparents&utm_campaign=parents_expert

Too quick to judge?

Too quick to judge?

I was getting my nails done the other day and had my two little ones with me. They were both in the double pram. My 3 month old fast asleep and my 2.5yo watching a movie on my iPhone. Both quiet and not disturbing anyone.

The woman sitting beside me was not impressed and passed a comment which hurt my feelings and really u feed me. Her rude comment was ‘I come to these places to be away from kids, I’d never bring mine here, they are in after school care’.

It hurt my feelings but also got me thinking.

This woman leaves her kids in after school care so that she can get her nails done? To me that’s selfish. The kids are in school for what 6 hours and she can’t get her nails done then? She has to leave them in care to get them done?

I know she didn’t work that day as I then listened to her conversation with her friend on the phone – yes she sat talking on the phone whilst getting her nails done. She said to her friend that she had caught up with ‘such and such’ for lunch.

My second thought was, my children are not bothering anyone nor disturbing? They are both being very quiet and are extremely well behaved. What is this woman’s problem? Don’t get me wrong, my 2 year old can be naughty, I’m not saying he is an angel but he was being really well behaved this day and I was most impressed with his good behaviour.

Perhaps she was having a bad day?

Now setting the record straight, it wasn’t a beauty salon as such and it certainly wasn’t anywhere fancy. It was a nail salon that specialises in quick mani pedi’s – like in and out in 30 minutes and has approx 20 chairs awaiting clients. Not a quiet sanctuary at all.

I’m usually the type of person who would quickly put this woman in her place and tell her off however the bigger person in me thought to let it slide.

I did however pass comment back to her saying ‘sorry if they are bothering you, they are being quiet and sitting in the pram not disturbing anyone.’ The manager of the salon said its ok and ease don’t feel like I need to apologies for having my children with me and said many mothers bring their children who run around the salon touching things. I was secretly hoping that this woman was listening.

I think sat through my manicure thinking many thoughts such as –

Because I’m a mother am I not supposed to take my children to a salon?

Am I not supposed to be getting a 30 minute manicure?

Am I supposed to leave my children at home?

Is it a bad thing that I have my children with me at all times and actually enjoy it?

Am I not supposed to spoilt myself?

What gives this woman the right to pass comment on someone else’s children?

Doesn’t she enjoy being around her children?

Are her children really naughty which is why she puts them in care?

And the list goes on………

Perhaps it is selfish of me to want to do something for myself?

Gosh I’m a full time mum to a beautiful yet energetic 2 year old boy and a 3 month old. They are both with me 99% of the time. Should I not be entitled to sit in a salon for 30 minutes and get a manicure?

It’s interesting as so many people are so quick to pass comment and judge your parenting skills and or techniques.

My thoughts to those who pass comment, especially when they are strangers who don’t know you or your situation – but then does this actually matter? Is who do you think you are to pass comment and or judgment? Are your children the most well behaved in the world?

How do we feel confident in raising our children to be well adjusted, happy, caring, considerate, loving, giving, fair, successful people if we are constantly being judged in our every move?

We all make mistakes right?

What is perfect parenting?

Everyone makes mistakes, as long as we learn from them who are we to judge each other.

Until we walk in others shoes we should perhaps keep our negative comments to ourselves.

Parenting is hard work and I don’t believe it’s anyone else’s right to tell another parent that their child is naughty nor should they pass comment on how to parent.

Feedback :)

Feedback 🙂

Where to start?

A huge thank you to my followers, between the website, Facebook and twitter I have almost 5,000 readers!

Thank you for reading my blog and supporting me. I’m very humbled.

I must say I do read everyone’s comments, my apologies if I don’t post them all I get quite a few, which I love and again am humbled by and thank you for taking the time to write me and comment on my posts.

So to answer some of your questions, and again my apologies if I don’t answer yours directly. Please feel free to email me directly and I will get back to you. Noordinarymummy@gmail.com

No I haven’t had any formal writing education. I simply write what I feel, or experience or someone I know has experienced.

Yes I may not have the best grammar or spelling, most of the time I am blogging from my phone and predictive text can sometimes work against me.

Yes I am a big believer in family. My hubby and little boy who is almost 2! – where has this time gone? These two mean the world to me. I’m also exceptionally close to my sister, her hubby and their 3 children and always will be. I’ve had my fair share of ups and downs with my mum and dad but no matter what, I will always have them in my heart and best interests. My little brother and I are close and I know we will always have each other’s back.

I’m honest with everything I write, it may sometimes seem brutal or too much but unfortunately we live in a works where not everything is rosy and not everyone is kind.

My hubby says I have a heart of Pharlap. Those whom I treasure I will always protect, I don’t give many second chances and I don’t tolerate idiots.

I have only been blogging since February 2014. Within this time I’ve possibly opened up to many people/strangers more than I have in my life. I’ve been very protective of my experiences I guess with the fear of judgement and sceptics, however I am extremely comfortable in my skin and my life now and have grown to not care so much about what other people think of me. It could possibly be age and life experiences that have taught me this trait. I think I’ve past comment previously, I am a strong personality and we all don’t have to get along in this world. We all have our own opinions and we are all entitled to them.

My website is built through Web Hub Hosting using WordPress. I built it myself.

Yes I get some negative feedback, we can please everyone 🙂 however those that continue to read something they don’t appreciate, shouldn’t read it. Simply put – if you kick your toe on a coffee table, would you continue to deliberately do it again? By logging onto my blog and continually reading something that you are only going to be negative about, or whine about, am I the fool or are you? I’m not asking you to log on. You are choosing to log on and read.

Personality types!

Personalities

So after staring my blog I have came across many comments and personalities, so I thought I’d do some research on the various personality types, interesting find.

What type of personality are you?

The Duty Fulfiller

Serious and quiet, interested in security and peaceful living. Extremely thorough, responsible, and dependable. Well-developed powers of concentration. Usually interested in supporting and promoting traditions and establishments. Well-organized and hard working, they work steadily towards identified goals. They can usually accomplish any task once they have set their mind to it.

The Mechanic

Quiet and reserved, interested in how and why things work. Excellent skills with mechanical things. Risk-takers who they live for the moment. Usually interested in and talented at extreme sports. Uncomplicated in their desires. Loyal to their peers and to their internal value systems, but not overly concerned with respecting laws and rules if they get in the way of getting something done. Detached and analytical, they excel at finding solutions to practical problems.

The Nurturer

Quiet, kind, and conscientious. Can be depended on to follow through. Usually puts the needs of others above their own needs. Stable and practical, they value security and traditions. Well-developed sense of space and function. Rich inner world of observations about people. Extremely perceptive of other’s feelings. Interested in serving others.

The Artist

Quiet, serious, sensitive and kind. Do not like conflict, and not likely to do things which may generate conflict. Loyal and faithful. Extremely well-developed senses, and aesthetic appreciation for beauty. Not interested in leading or controlling others. Flexible and open-minded. Likely to be original and creative. Enjoy the present moment.

The Protector

Quietly forceful, original, and sensitive. Tend to stick to things until they are done. Extremely intuitive about people, and concerned for their feelings. Well-developed value systems which they strictly adhere to. Well-respected for their perserverence in doing the right thing. Likely to be individualistic, rather than leading or following.

The Idealist

Quiet, reflective, and idealistic. Interested in serving humanity. Well-developed value system, which they strive to live in accordance with. Extremely loyal. Adaptable and laid-back unless a strongly-held value is threatened. Usually talented writers. Mentally quick, and able to see possibilities. Interested in understanding and helping people.

The Scientist

Independent, original, analytical, and determined. Have an exceptional ability to turn theories into solid plans of action. Highly value knowledge, competence, and structure. Driven to derive meaning from their visions. Long-range thinkers. Have very high standards for their performance, and the performance of others. Natural leaders, but will follow if they trust existing leaders.

The Thinker

Logical, original, creative thinkers. Can become very excited about theories and ideas. Exceptionally capable and driven to turn theories into clear understandings. Highly value knowledge, competence and logic. Quiet and reserved, hard to get to know well. Individualistic, having no interest in leading or following others.

The Doer

Friendly, adaptable, action-oriented. “Doers” who are focused on immediate results. Living in the here-and-now, they’re risk-takers who live fast-paced lifestyles. Impatient with long explanations. Extremely loyal to their peers, but not usually respectful of laws and rules if they get in the way of getting things done. Great people skills.

The Guardian

Practical, traditional, and organized. Likely to be athletic. Not interested in theory or abstraction unless they see the practical application. Have clear visions of the way things should be. Loyal and hard-working. Like to be in charge. Exceptionally capable in organizing and running activities. “Good citizens” who value security and peaceful living.

The Performer

People-oriented and fun-loving, they make things more fun for others by their enjoyment. Living for the moment, they love new experiences. They dislike theory and impersonal analysis. Interested in serving others. Likely to be the center of attention in social situations. Well-developed common sense and practical ability To care for others.

The Caregiver

Warm-hearted, popular, and conscientious. Tend to put the needs of others over their own needs. Feel strong sense of responsibility and duty. Value traditions and security. Interested in serving others. Need positive reinforcement to feel good about themselves. Well-developed sense of space and function.

The Inspirer

Enthusiastic, idealistic, and creative. Able to do almost anything that interests them. Great people skills. Need to live life in accordance with their inner values. Excited by new ideas, but bored with details. Open-minded and flexible, with a broad range of interests and abilities.

The Giver

Popular and sensitive, with outstanding people skills. Externally focused, with real concern for how others think and feel. Usually dislike being alone. They see everything from the human angle, and dislike impersonal analysis. Very effective at managing people issues, and leading group discussions. Interested in serving others, and probably place the needs of others over their own needs.

The Visionary

Creative, resourceful, and intellectually quick. Good at a broad range of things. Enjoy debating issues, and may be into “one-up-manship”. They get very excited about new ideas and projects, but may neglect the more routine aspects of life. Generally outspoken and assertive. They enjoy people and are stimulating company. Excellent ability to understand concepts and apply logic to find solutions.

The Executive

Assertive and outspoken – they are driven to lead. Excellent ability to understand difficult organizational problems and create solid solutions. Intelligent and well-informed, they usually excel at public speaking. They value knowledge and competence, and usually have little patience with inefficiency or disorganization.

Positive parenting.

Positive parenting

I just came across this great article on positive parenting.

Worth a read. I’ve had a few scared and very judgemental moments where ice wanted to crawl and hide, wish I’d had read this sooner. Great tips on how to deal with such circumstances.

When Children Bite and Strike: 5 Positive Ways To Deal and Heal
Posted by Ariadne Brill

Hitting, pushing, shoving and biting are common ways for preschoolers and toddlers to deal with their emotions. Strikes and bites are often happening because something inside the child, some feeling, like a hiccup, just needs to get out. It could be frustration, upset, sadness, anxiety, fear or a mixed bowl of emotions.

What can we do about it? Very likely, you have heard many suggestions on how to deal with your child’s biting and hitting. Perhaps you have tried time-outs, yelled out of frustration, or taken away a toy. Maybe you have even heard the “bite back” and “strike back” bit of advice but don’t want to go down that path? Would you like to try alternatives based on love, empathy and gentle guidance?

Here are 5 ideas on how to positively deal with a child that hits and bites:

1. Observe: If biting, hitting, pushing has been going on for a little while, chances are you can pin-point some of the situations that bring it about. For a toddler, being upset and not having words to express herself is a common trigger:
For my 20 month old Bella, having toys taken away by her bigger brothers is a sure fire way to get a bite in return. We have worked as a team to instill a habit of “switching” and “asking” for toys as well as respecting when someone is not ready to share.

 

2. Be Pro-Active: Although understanding the reason behind the strike is not a pre-requisite to curbing the problem, being pro-active can reduce the strikes and help our children learn more positive ways to deal with their emotions.
At our weekly playgroup, one 30 month old toddler, Julia*, was keen on hitting my daughter. After the third time, I noticed Julia would strike when I was actively playing with my daughter and Julia was wandering around looking for something to do. Julia would come to strike, her mother would then rush across the room and sternly tell her NO and then walk away again. Julia would move onto the next child she could hit and this cycle would go on and on. The next week, when we started playing with some puzzles, I invited Julia to join us right away. Julia was very happy to do so, and soon her mother joined as well. Julia has not hit Bella for several weeks now – Instead, the girls are learning to play side by side with a bit of guidance.

3. Empathize: If we really take the time to look past the strikes and bites, we can see that the acts are not so much a pre-meditated crimes, but more so outbursts of emotion and a lending a loving ear can help heal the hurt.
When my soon to be 4 year old recently tried kicking and hitting me, I held him close so I wouldn’t get hurt and said “You may not kick or hurt me but I will listen to you. Do you want to tell me what you are feeling?” After some squirming, crying and huffing, he went on to tell me he was really mad. A friend that had been visiting was leaving and he just wasn’t ready to say good-bye. “I hate when people go to their house.” Crying in my arms and having a listening ear was all he needed to recover.

4. Play: For the toddlers as well as for the preschoolers, having an outlet for their frustration, anger or upset is all very important. From roughhousing to playing chase or pillow fights; games that actively allow children to release energy all help prevent biting, hitting and other aggression from building up.
During an unexpectedly long walk up our mountain, my five year old was getting really anxious to get home, he started pestering his brother and poking him (a sign he might start hitting if he gets more worked up.) I suggested we start playing animal safari as we walked. We took turns growling like bears, making elephant noises and lastly roaring like lions. The large breaths of the lion roaring helped Maxi re-focus and relieve some of his energy and soon we were home and nobody had been hurt.

5. Be Firm-Be Kind: Should your child strike you or bite you try to stay calm, show empathy and then with kindness explain the behavior is not alright. Short and descriptive phrases without loaded emotions seem to work best.
“You may not bite your friend. Biting hurts. How about we try to play together?“
“Do not bite. Please try to ask for help.”
“You seem very mad. Hitting is not ok. Do you need something?”

Biting and hitting are a normal part of early childhood and although many parents feel ashamed or embarrassed by this particular behavior, for children it is really just like learning to drink from an open cup, holding a spoon or riding a bicycle…it takes a bit of time, love and lots of patience.

How do you feel when your child hits or bites?

Have you been able to help your child curb biting or hitting?

What has worked for your family?