Intimacy

Intimacy.
Intimacy, quite the taboo word among most, yet I find of late more and more people want to talk about it.
For those who have followed my blog for a while, or know me, you will know that I’m a huge fan of Sex and the City. Both the TV series and the movies. I can still to this day, watch either over and over again. I love the raw honesty of the 4 main female characters and how open they are with any subject. I always hoped that I too would grow friendships with my friends where I can speak open and honestly without judgement or questions. 
I suppose in my early years I wasn’t as open or vocal with my friends, but now I am a lot more comfortable and confident within my close friendships circle that I am happy to talk about such subjects. 
Recently I was at a social event where the woman ended up at one of the table away from their partners and of course, when some women start to drink, they become more open and confident with such personal topics. On this particular occasion I had only known 1 of the women and I wasn’t drinking when the intimacy subject came up. 
Now I’m not one to be open and raw with people whom I just met, it has taken me a while to trust people and also know how much information is ok to pass on without judgement, however a few of the women at this event were more than happy to ask the dreaded question of ‘how often are you intimate with your husband?’. 
This question made me think of the Sex and the City movie where all 4 girls are talking about how often they ‘colour’ and each of the friends had different ideas, wants and needs. Samantha of course wanted to ‘colour all day every day and she used every crayon in the box’. Whereas Charlotte ‘coloured’ 2 – 3 times per week. Miranda hadn’t ‘coloured’ for over 6 months and Carrie let out that when big colours, he rarely stays inside the lines. 
I didn’t want to get involved in that topic as I had only just met the group, but most of the women had known each other for quite some time. I certainly wasn’t going to judge them, but I also wasn’t prepared to disclose my information. I get that each relationship is different and everyone has different needs, so why compare? 
To me, it seems that the intimacy or sex question is no longer personal? These women then proceeded to say how often they are intimate, which kind of surprised me. It also made me think back to the old wives tale of – before you get married put a marble in a jar each time you are intimate. Then once you are married take a marble out for each time that you are intimate, with the conclusion that you will still be left with marbles in the jar long after you are married. Which suggests, that once you are married the intimacy becomes less often. 
On this occasion most of the women were suggesting that they are intimate only a couple times each month some less and on that rare occasion that they are intimate, they were not necessarily enjoying it. That it seemed more like a chore for them? More like their passion had died and it was a scheduled calendar event.
I questioned how long had they been with their partners / husbands and to my surprise they were all about the same amount of married years as myself. Now these women are a little older than me, but not by much. 2 were 47 and 2 were aged 45. I have in the past believed that women are at their sexual peak around mid to late 30’s up until mid 40’s. Seemingly within this group, it was true. All these women were wanting more intimate moments with their partners but it was in fact (according to them) that their partners were not ‘up for it’ as often as they were. 
Another old wives tale is that men are always ‘up for it’ and it’s usually the female turning them down citing reasons of being tired or similar. Not with this group. They were happy to open up and discuss the fact that they would long for their husbands to touch them sexually or romantically.  They wanted to feel wanted and were actually feeling the opposite. Their partners/ husbands had lost their libido and these women were left feeling lonely and unattractive. 
These women are all successful in their own rights, each of them working in corporate roles, still doing mother and wife duties but feeling less than desired because when they would snuggle up to their husbands trying to become or start intimacy with a passionate kiss or touch, they felt that their advances were being shut down.
This made me feel sad for them. The feeling that you have been with your husband for 10+ years, you have made a family together and still love each other, but the relationship between you and your husband has become more of a friendship and the romance and sexual intimacy has dissolved. 
One of these women was open enough to say that her husband has openly told her that since she has been through early menopause, he no longer looks at her in a sexual way. This of course has hurt her feelings and she questions why he is no longer attracted to her. She is still a woman. She is still his faithful wife. She is still the mother of his child. So why has he now decided that he isn’t interested in being intimate with her?
I know that as a women, I want to feel wanted. I want to have my husband be attracted to me. I want the intimacy and romance. I want the passion and romance. So why does it fade for some people? 

Is this 40?

Is this 40?

This year I turned 39, so I’m staring straight down the barrel of 40. Is it confronting I hear you ask? No not really. Not for me anyway. 
I think for me it’s feeling happy within myself. I’m at ease with myself and my life. I know my place and I enjoy where I am. 


I think the whole ‘40’ mid life crisis thing may be for some, however not for me. I understand it can feel confronting yet I believe that being happy from within and comfortable with yourself plays a big part. 


I know a lot of people who have already turned 40 or are approaching 40 and are fearful and questioning themselves. Yes it’s believed to be your ‘half way point’ if you feel you will only live to 80? But I’m positive. I don’t think you gain much if you have a negative mindset. 

What I have realised is that most people, my friends especially don’t talk to each other about their age and how they feel about themselves. If they talk about their birthdays, it’s mostly in a flippant or brushed off way. Some pass comments like “Enjoy your 30’s while they last,” But how is that type of comment helpful? It doesn’t tell you anything meaningful about what turning 40 is actually like. Whether it’s younger people not asking enough questions or middle-aged people being too vague with their answers, it seems like many of us reach an age milestone completely clueless about what to expect or how to feel.

Does 40 all of a sudden make you feel ‘old’? I believe not? My husband is 9 years my senior and he tells me age is a number and it’s mind over matter. Which I believe is true. I think that as a younger person, 40 appears to be ‘old’. Gosh I remember when my parents were turning 40. I must admit I thought ‘oh man they are old’. But in hindsight, 40 is not actually old. 

I personally feel more confident within myself. I have learnt to stop beating myself up for what I am not or what I have not achieved. All that anxiety about whether I am thin enough, too thin, too fat or not muscular enough started to fade away when I reached about 35. I accept what I have and what my body does for me. I appreciate it more because I have 2 beautiful children that grew inside me. 

What I have also accepted is that friends are only forever if you nurture those relationships. If you don’t make an effort to keep them in your life, they will disappear. And by the time you’re 40, you’ll realize that your once larger community of ‘friends’ has dwindled into a smaller and closer knit of people. Less acquaintances. 

Time becomes more precious and you begin to value those who are important to you. Remember all those parties that you went to in your 20s and 30s? In your 40s, those social obligations start to get replaced by reunions and more important events like children’s birthdays or graduations. 

If you wasted too much of your youth listening to the critical voices in your head, telling you that you are no good and to just give up already, you’ll be thrilled to learn that your mindset (well mind did) changes. It is much easier in your 40s to tune it out, Mays our own decisions and respect your own decisions. Be comfortable and confident in your own decisions. Maybe it’s just from years of experience or from discovering again and again that your inner critic doesn’t have any actual idea what it is talking about.

As I approach 40 I feel less I blinded to be stubborn. I let small things slide which I would have once held a grudge over and I find I’m not dwelling on making the right decision as such, but go with what feels right to me.

I have also found that I’m more included to ask for help. There’s no weakness in asking for help or letting your friends and family lend a hand when you need it. It’s humbling, really, to finally let go of your white-knuckled grip on independence and realise just how much other people care and want to help. I can be a bit of a control freak, just ask my husband, but allowing others to help you, is not admitting defeat yet accepting that most of us simply cannot do it all. We are not all superhuman. 

I redirect now on how much time I wasted worrying about what others thought of me. I honestly can’t believe that I gave so much of my time and energy to jerks who were never worth the effort. I’ve let many ‘friendships’ fade and instead I focus my energy and give my time to those whom I believe are worthy and add value to my life. I once had so many ‘friecd’ but I have also come to realise those ‘friends’ have not attended any of my children’s birthday parties. They have never visited my house once, not do they contact me for a simple hello. I have found that my radar for detecting when you’re being taken advantage of, or when the respect is anything but mutual. I was once such a giver, now I’m more cautious which has been a hard lesson for me to learn.

Emotional manipulation is not something you’re likely to fall for any more, and being a martyr has lost all its appeal. There’s a time and place when saying yes to anything because you’re afraid of letting people down sounds like a good strategy, and being in your 40s isn’t it. Time is precious so I’m choosing to spend my time wisely.

Stress is never going to go completely away, even in your 40s, but now you start to finally put any stores into perspective. The vast majority of things that most people worry about people are actually not worth that mental energy at all. It may not seem like it now, but everything really is going to be okay. 

Do you have FOMO? (Fear of missing out) as I have aged, I now laugh at such anxieties. Because, you know what? You’re not missing out on anything. I feel now that I have seen enough and experienced enough to earn the right to say “no” and stay in and do as I please. I still sometimes question my decisions, but I’m now more comfortable with them and knowing that I have made the right ones. I guess some could say maturity has kicked in? Along with grey hair and wrinkles. 😉💗