Intimacy, quite the taboo word among most, yet I find of late more and more people want to talk about it.
For those who have followed my blog for a while, or know me, you will know that I’m a huge fan of Sex and the City. Both the TV series and the movies. I can still to this day, watch either over and over again. I love the raw honesty of the 4 main female characters and how open they are with any subject. I always hoped that I too would grow friendships with my friends where I can speak open and honestly without judgement or questions.
I suppose in my early years I wasn’t as open or vocal with my friends, but now I am a lot more comfortable and confident within my close friendships circle that I am happy to talk about such subjects.
Recently I was at a social event where the woman ended up at one of the table away from their partners and of course, when some women start to drink, they become more open and confident with such personal topics. On this particular occasion I had only known 1 of the women and I wasn’t drinking when the intimacy subject came up.
Now I’m not one to be open and raw with people whom I just met, it has taken me a while to trust people and also know how much information is ok to pass on without judgement, however a few of the women at this event were more than happy to ask the dreaded question of ‘how often are you intimate with your husband?’.
This question made me think of the Sex and the City movie where all 4 girls are talking about how often they ‘colour’ and each of the friends had different ideas, wants and needs. Samantha of course wanted to ‘colour all day every day and she used every crayon in the box’. Whereas Charlotte ‘coloured’ 2 – 3 times per week. Miranda hadn’t ‘coloured’ for over 6 months and Carrie let out that when big colours, he rarely stays inside the lines.
I didn’t want to get involved in that topic as I had only just met the group, but most of the women had known each other for quite some time. I certainly wasn’t going to judge them, but I also wasn’t prepared to disclose my information. I get that each relationship is different and everyone has different needs, so why compare?
To me, it seems that the intimacy or sex question is no longer personal? These women then proceeded to say how often they are intimate, which kind of surprised me. It also made me think back to the old wives tale of – before you get married put a marble in a jar each time you are intimate. Then once you are married take a marble out for each time that you are intimate, with the conclusion that you will still be left with marbles in the jar long after you are married. Which suggests, that once you are married the intimacy becomes less often.
On this occasion most of the women were suggesting that they are intimate only a couple times each month some less and on that rare occasion that they are intimate, they were not necessarily enjoying it. That it seemed more like a chore for them? More like their passion had died and it was a scheduled calendar event.
I questioned how long had they been with their partners / husbands and to my surprise they were all about the same amount of married years as myself. Now these women are a little older than me, but not by much. 2 were 47 and 2 were aged 45. I have in the past believed that women are at their sexual peak around mid to late 30’s up until mid 40’s. Seemingly within this group, it was true. All these women were wanting more intimate moments with their partners but it was in fact (according to them) that their partners were not ‘up for it’ as often as they were.
Another old wives tale is that men are always ‘up for it’ and it’s usually the female turning them down citing reasons of being tired or similar. Not with this group. They were happy to open up and discuss the fact that they would long for their husbands to touch them sexually or romantically. They wanted to feel wanted and were actually feeling the opposite. Their partners/ husbands had lost their libido and these women were left feeling lonely and unattractive.
These women are all successful in their own rights, each of them working in corporate roles, still doing mother and wife duties but feeling less than desired because when they would snuggle up to their husbands trying to become or start intimacy with a passionate kiss or touch, they felt that their advances were being shut down.
This made me feel sad for them. The feeling that you have been with your husband for 10+ years, you have made a family together and still love each other, but the relationship between you and your husband has become more of a friendship and the romance and sexual intimacy has dissolved.
One of these women was open enough to say that her husband has openly told her that since she has been through early menopause, he no longer looks at her in a sexual way. This of course has hurt her feelings and she questions why he is no longer attracted to her. She is still a woman. She is still his faithful wife. She is still the mother of his child. So why has he now decided that he isn’t interested in being intimate with her?
I know that as a women, I want to feel wanted. I want to have my husband be attracted to me. I want the intimacy and romance. I want the passion and romance. So why does it fade for some people?